pre-31st!

• koto din kichu likhini..

(barring the costing sums, the accounts problems, the taxation sums, the various laws, the provisions of those laws and of course, 28+ papers of answers for the past 4 days on the trot..)

• koto din kichu aakini..

(barring those innumerable balance sheets, and tax statement tables/charts, the flow charts and the lines on the blanks..)

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

• koto din ghumoini!!!

someone asked me, " what are your plans for 31st? what you doing? "
i said--"dude!! i'll sleep!! i just wanna get back home and SLEEP!"

so, as of now, on the 31st, everything else can go to dumps.. everything else can wait.. and as of now from what i hear, even 16.1 ain't gonna be in the city, so that 'meeting' also apparently seems like to be ruled out.. so, come back home and SLEEP!
and then, if i, by any (remote) chance happen to wake up before the (next) day-break, i'll take my black love out for a "date" with the just two of us..(of course, 16.1 would be missed, but that's just gonna be an 'US' time..)

so, that's my 31st..

and sadly enough, still 2 more days to go for that..

*poor me*

14.12.12

this is definitely super weird!

just got off the conversation with my 16.1.. and of course, the underlying issue was the 'plans' and the desperate negotiations for a neutral time zone.. which, alas, couldn't be reached as yet.. *sad* and the hidden underlying issue was in the parting note.. which involved both of us telling each other "wait karo fir abhi, aur kya", with some addition-subtraction of a little bit of giggling from either end.. *chuckle*

found my way towards the TV.. surfing channels and some sitcom caught my fancy.. stopped the surfing and there it comes! *B-A-M!* *on the face*
"you know what's better than the (beep)? its the anticipation.. the anticipation that builds up to it...."
just what i needed to hear.. *ROFL!*

withdrawal symptoms.. oh damned hell.. they sure are strong! ask us now, and we'll tell you! :p to the extent that even the sitcoms seem to be coordinated with me at this moment! *hark hark!*

small hands

*sigh!
so much so, that my love for those super awesome phones are propounded, i can, at best, only resort to drool over them and admire them.. admire the one that my *.* has..
so much so for my love of the new(est) generation Ipod, i can only be content by fantasizing about it..

ummm, not that they are all out of my reach, per se.. but, yeah,  in a weird way, they kinda are..
all the above mentioned artifacts are bigger than even the size of my hands!

*sigh!! so much so for the small hands!

p.s. on the brighter side, at least o'r ghaar amar haat-e chole ashe.. puro snug fit! :)

teaser

advantage of a train ticket reservation--

it involves pre-planning in a concrete manner..
because of which,when it stands confirmed, Mamma cant use her 'i won't let you go/ you won't be going' threats on me, now that (even when)i'm sick..!!! *hee-haw!!!*


*muahahahahahahahahahaha!!*

disturbing!

well yeah.. this one goes to all those who "like" that specific shudder inducing phenomenon..



NO people.. you are not supposed to "like" that! definitely not.. not in any way whatsoever!!!!
one person swearing on 'aa ante' is pretty much enough for me to last my entire lifetime (or maybe even beyond, that is to say, if afterlife holds true)!

damn all of you!!!

p.s. a special damn to my Seelenschwester!! wait till i get my hands on you! *literallly*
      *muahahahahhahahahaha!* *evil laugh!*

stares

me : why do they stare? its not that i have 'dekho magar pyar se' inscribed on any part of my body!
(grumpy and frowny and irritable and walking and cold because there's a nip in the air and i'm without a jacket)

she : well you know.. they stare.. ok.. lets put it this way.. the guys stare because they like what they look.. and the girls stare because they wanna know what the guys are staring at.. the result, everyone is staring.. and that one person who started it all, is continuing to stare, blissfully unaware of this huge chain stares that he has generated.. get it? ;) :p

me : aarrrggghhhhh! i hate you! and you couldn't come up with anything better either?! *hmpf!*

she : you kiddin' me? this is the best!!

just saying #5

i don't like guys in sleeveless..
i don't like my guy to be clean shaven a.k.a. 'chikna'..
i don't like guys with long hair..
i don't like fair (read: 'white') guys..
i don't like guys wearing Pinks!
i don't like guys who are beefy..
and i definitely don't like red shoes on guys..
i don't like guys wearing body hugging tees and extremely skinny-tight-dangling-dangerously low-flirting-with-the(ir)-butt-cracks kinda jeans and/or trousers..
and i don't like mcp's either..

but then, its just me saying.. who cares?
(i do.)

p.s. 'white' doesn't refer to Caucasian..

happy days till the countdown

ummm.. yeah well.. its a weirdly happy turn of events to sum the day with..

• to say, barring any hiccups, the trip plan is perfected.. with all the variable probables been taken care of..

and

• there has been a  break with the AWOL status..

and the tops being (to top the above statement), i have been successfully able to maintain the 'cold'! and its a sheer achievement arrived at, considering the identities involved in the above (situational)statement..

plus, now i have two good times to count it down to..

• one at a distance of just a lil' over a fortnight..
• other at a distance of just over a month..

and so, plans galore for the new year.. already! *touchwood!*

and yes.. yay me! happy me! *pretty grin*

never easy

and just when i could muster up enough courage to let you be a part of it, you chose the same time to be high up above the ground.. just my luck.. or signs stating something otherwise?

is it that, you're not the one to be a part of it and that i was almost making a mistake, and the situation saved me, and that was a warning sign?

or
is it that, i'm thinking it all wrong, that nothing of that sort is going to happen and so, no one needs to know right now? that, i'm unnecessarily killing myself worrying about it?

or
maybe, it was not the right time then, and probably the right time will be in sometime in future, and that i should wait for it?


this is never easy.

just saying #4 (scoffed)

one of its weird side-effects-----
excessive thirst.. just doesn't go away..
persistent..
48 hrs.. and counting (still)..
after a zillion litres of water, juices, alike..
thirsty..
persistent..
still..
(sic)

p.s. disclaimer: though, i have nothing against 'it' and in fact, i "love" 'it' down to its gazillion-th times smallest bit.. *mvah!**#forever!* 

i dunno what it is.. and i dun wanna define either.. but staying away from you is the hardest.. i chose to do it.. and those 24 hrs were the most grumpiest that i had been in the last 24 hrs..
and so it is not surprising when i'm all smiles after those sweet nothings to end the day with..
its priceless to me..
i dun care even if you put it as my 'shoshe'..
coz i love when you turn out your guardian-type-ways on me..
thats my assurance blanket..

feels nice to go AWOL on a day like this..

a different kinda nice..

period.

quirked

ok.. i say this coz that's how my mood is being portrayed by my demeanor..

the best time ever.. and an equally dreaded one too, to follow after..
mamma's 'approval' in certain 'cases'---yeah, in plural, that too.. means loads.. coz, as it happens to be, the 'certain cases' in question here, happen to be my 'life'!
have 'resources' to splurge on me, but cant figure out the 'moment'... *frustrating*
have a willing companion for window shopping *surprise surprise!* but again, this-n-that.. *grrrrrr*
mind's at its creative best, and all it's doing now is consolidation, valuation, underwritings, taxable incomes, and all that blehs..

and i have a damn good mind to go out in a yellow-right and a striped blue-left converse pairs.. maybe with a green belt.. coupled with shocking pink tanks and grey-ish shorts.. accessorized with a hand full of coloured bangles.. would have loved my hair to be red and braided, but i guess, i can make do with its present state too---black and straight.. the only sober part being the beige sling bag..

oh damn!!!!!
(it ain't helping!)

alright.. i am ready to take on the risks that it brings.. so, back to counting again---
a month and a week more to go..

*high10*

some good things do come out of the once in a blue moon cleaning ritual.. and today it was the day for that.. and how! sorting out the zillion of the randomest pics and selecting the few maddening ones to take them out for the prints and sticking onto my wall and subsequently editing them, i unearthed a couple of priceless ones.. really PRICELESS!!

this one was a 'surprise' for her.. neither of us remember the exact time of when it was taken.. but both of us remember the place where it was taken.. :) and as far as my good guess goes, this was taken in 2007 or 2008, in Barista--Juhu,Mumbai.. she had a sizzling brownie and i sipped on a lime mojito (non-alcoholic, ofcourse!) and these used to be our long sought after meet-ups of the year, when i used to come back home during my autumn-break in college.. and we both made sure to clear up our calender for this :) and so today, after 4-5 years later when this surfaced, it was a pretty "awwww" moment for us over whatsapp, followed by the 'kisses' and the 'love sighs!' plus, the added bonus being the fact that at least one photo of us that is tainted in complete girlie hues---pink and red.. add a couple more 'awwwws' to this as she is all set to be married in a month's time now! time sure flies by, as if we are standing still.. 

and the another one that surfaced was another surprise.. not with the photo, per se.. but the sheer fact of realisation that it brought forth along.. completion of a decade!

we met 10 yrs back.. in high school.. and it has been 10 years since then.. a fact that suddenly dawned upon me today.. not with the exact date, but the year itself was equally over whelming for me.. 

this is not the only picture of us.. in fact, we surely boast of a lot of pics of us together.. random pics.. and not to mention the quirky videos, that were shot unintentionally by him.. over stupid nothings.. and all of a sudden, i realised, i have to share it with him too..

so a tag on the social networking site over this very picture, including the geo-tag of the place.. and that was also not enough.. so, the next one hr was spent over the national call! :) and oh boy! 10 years worth of living and laughing.. :) starting from sharing the same flats (twice), saving up the last seats in the bus, random walks to the mount mary hills, 'smoky' affairs, and what not.. i told him to have a beer on our 10.. we deserve that!! and we ended up making plans----elaborately detailed plans of what all we should do to celebrate our 'decade' when i come to Mumbai.. and yes, the 'smoky' affairs were in the list!! :-p

so yeah.. some old and precious memories revisited..

and a gloomy day cheered up..

p.s. of course, the Sweetheart always helps.. everytime.. forever.. even if it's grossed out (pun intended).. coz, for the first time till now, i am delightfully forced to take the tag of 'Mr.L' off him.. *love*

p.p.s ♥

good grammar and 'sexy'

You come up with 'digged up roads' and You say k mere 'shoshe' hai?! :-p

and my poor soul almost just died!

just saying #3

you are allowed to draw stares.. well, that's in fact the general and conventional in the 'normal' course of action(s)..
so, all i say too, is that, its alright to draw stares..
alright to sense the trail of gaze following you when you walk across the hall..
alright to catch the fleeting trail of that imaginary thread linking you with that otherwise almost oblivious cosmic entity when you enter the room/elevator/escalator...
alright to acknowledge the 'friendly' blink when you are standing across to another otherwise almost oblivious cosmic entity..

except for----
the time when you, dressed down in denim and a tee and hair let loose, are standing across to some otherwise oblivious (but damn cute and handsome) cosmic entity and drawing those slivers and threads when there are other p.y.t.'s around you dressed in those amazingly gorgeous festive finery and looking so damn fine (and i wont judge/penalise you if you even read "sexy")..#true story#

that just doesn't 'look' right to the 'eye'..

just saying, though..! *wink!*

:)

weekend we(a)ken(e)d

i had a funny feeling today.. funny feeling about the day unfolding.. about the very "feel", per se, of the day itself.. funny feeling from the instant i opened my eyes today for the first time after crashing out and calling it a day yesterday..
i never for once did and/or could feel that today is a saturday.. the feeling of weekend just never came.. never struck.. it was just a normal 'week' feeling for me.. maybe because of my "weekend" yesterday.. (*love*) as that had each and every element of "feel" (included) that one would generally associate with a "weekend"..
and just when today, finally when i was trying to talk myself out about tomorrow being the real "sunday"--wham! all my hopes of sunday goes down the drain.. SEBI and IPO calling for friggin' 4 hrs, that too starting at 0800!
so, yeah.. "weekend" for me was yesterday..
this should just teach me to stop doubting my gut feels and inklings and feelings and intuitions and all and everything similar to it..

junkie day

that insane day when you are a caffeine junkie..
and "more" just doesnt seem to be enough, ever..

just that kind of a day.
today.

just saying.. #2

its best to be this 'shut-out' person..
closed for people in a way that they dun get a peek in..
well, on the downside of it, you might always find yourself down at their end of yelling..
but there is a major upside of that..
that being, you'll never be hurt..
because, its "always" your people, who fight to get your peek within and to whom you eventually give in, who hurt you..
because they "know" you..
because they know where to hurt..
so, if you are always closed out, then they wont know where to hurt..
so, that helps..
one major 'hurt' less..

just saying..

p.s. personal experience.. holds very true! to the 'T'..(sic)
p.p.s and apparently my 'post' to 'you-know-who' gets the maximum hits.. well, i guess, the 'exception' really rules..

To:: you-know-who

dear my-only-exception,

i have taken the hit.. finally.. so as to say.. and i think i know who to blame and what to blame.. ;)
and of course, when your vow of being at a hand's distance from me flew out of the window, this was anyway on the cards.. aint it..! moreover, add to that, the exchanged glasses and the butt-ends.. oh yeah.. inclusive of all the sharings too! gosh.. now, this doesnt even seems surprising..! :-p

so, just to check on you, i hope that you are still making your ground.. and in a good way too.. and this definitely does not give you the right to take the hit, next-in-line!

:)
-xoxo

p.s. i'll always be having you.. ;) even without you telling me to..! *nuts* #xoxo

as a wise old man said today,-----

"Give up on a possible love connection, as it will never give you happiness."

24th september 2012

...and how always one whole session of love ends with my heart turning into crumbled eggshells lying on the kitchen floor.

*given up.*

i think i now know why i have you as my bestest girlfriend..

• to share those infinite secret giggles involving that special someone without that special someone's conscious cognizance.. 
• to sob (myself to the deepest bottoms of an endless pit with darkness all around where nothing seems worth even a hope) over those long distance long calls with you and making it all worse with the wish, "if only you were here"..

--and as someone had said once,"you are my 'person'"..

and that you are..period.

just saying.. ;)

just read this on a social networking site--
"women fall madly in love with douchebags"..

well, this just makes You one! :-D :-p and you already have the 'lo**y' tag.. ;)

#just saying!#

stars gone bonkers!

"Your sociability will have the desired effect - you seem responsive and sensitive to others and make friends easily. That's because you are generally feeling confident and optimistic and, amongst other things, you are keen to get to know people. Among these new relationships will, of course, be those that might well involve the possibility of sex. If you've already found a life partner, hold yourself back a little. If this isn't the case, then something new could be on the horizon."

bloody hell! :-p

stupid song

and almost the final nail in the coffin types situation..

the "song" on the fm on my way back home.. and what did i miss?
strangely enough, i missed You beside me..
i missed You singing along with it..
i missed You grooving when it goes 'aja kare tararumpumpum'.. :)


and i guess, this is inching close in getting that coveted place of being "our song"--much to my displeasure and Your love.. :-p

coincidental

for me it reads--'today you could be completely unaware of important signals your crush has been sending for a while.'

point to be noted--the 'has been sending' part in the above statement..  yep.. pretty much maybe.. (maybe not even, what say You, eh?!)
four days in a row, and i am definitely murderous towards You.. and no further questions of doubt to be raised on that.. period.. Your fucking singing along loud to that stupid song has me now going over and over like a loop to only those two specific lines.. and i just cant simply get them out of my head.. read further to that: my mind, my lips.. *aaarrrghhhhhh*

and so i reckon, the above quoted statement might as well be holding true.. courtesy this murderous frame of mind, i might just be unaware of all the signals which my crush might have been sending to me for a 'while'.. :) *hehehe*

p.s. for 'my crush', it reads--'see love and the communication of feelings as a real therapy..true love accompanied by higher qualities are highlighted now.' :-P:-P:-P:-P
 absolutely 'oh-so-perfect'! :-D
ooohhhhhhh!! and how i love! ;)

you know the time when you want that person to just come outta nowhere, know whats eating you within and then stride off to put the stuffs alright? to just go to the person and talk it out abt whatever that's been bothering you, and drilling some amount of sense in the other person's skull?to talk it out to that person without that person even getting a whiff of the thing(s) that maybe its your secret wish and that this person has come to talk it out because of you?

yeah.. it is that time at least now for me, when i can so surely make do with one.. that 'one' to just 'magically' appear before me, know whats gnawing-off at me and then stride off to the 'person' to make things alright.. and all this without that 'person's' slightest of the apprehension of all this being a said stuff.. and then, making everything between me and the person alright.. just like that.. when the world seems the best place to be.. coz, nothing else really matters.. "magically"..

i dont know if there is something like "magic" that exists.. whether it works.. whether it really matters..
but i know for sure, that right now this moment, i would really like to believe that it works.. i would like it to "work".. "magically".. just to put all the things alright.. 'magically'.. 'magic'.. i want my belief to hold true.. i have no reason to believe in this in the first place itself.. but i do.. and now that i do, i want it to be good..

but it doesnt work.. and i know that for sure.. because, even if you happen to read this a million times over, you will never really understand the 'what' of it.. and, considering that even if you do that, you cant materialize in front of me now.. and there's no way in this planet that you can talk it out with the other 'person' and drill some sense in the other 'person', without the other 'person' getting even a far-fetched vague hint of the what-abouts of it..

so yeah.. maybe, "magic" is just too "magical" to work for real..

but this doesnt stop me from wishing you to be here.. and this doesnt even stop me from wishing if only this can come true, albeit "magically"..

and for now, its just not a very good place.

just that day when so many things that you plan for, actually and ultimately leads to null.. void..

just that kind of day..

today.
period.

red light scandal

red wall.. a red light.. white and blue cotton/linen curtains.. lamps.. candles.. loads of canvas doors.. and of course, the red light highlight red wall!

and mamma was outrightly scandalised.

and this is how MY room is gonna be!! *sweet love* **incl. of 'shut ups'**



p.s. now this can be an "invitation"! :-p

nap time produce

heard it from many people before.. experienced it first hand too.. albeit the action was a bit on the delayed side.. but holding true to the events, nevertheless.. and so, maybe i do believe too..

"the dreams that you dream early morning, just before you wake up, comes true.."

yes.. the dreams i dreamt, just before waking up, came true to the exact settings, for me.. yes, it took its time.. but it did come true.. the person, the place, the gestures, the surroundings, the general ambience.. check!

yesterday, it was little different.. the dream was there.. and it was there just before i woke up.. (i know it because, when i woke up, the last faint slivers of dream was still lingering with me.. the feel was palpable.. i was as if embraced by it..) the person remaining same.. the setting being the actual setting of the last time when we were together.. the gestures, being the combination of the favourites.. the surroundings, just the way we love it to be.. it was as if i was reliving our previous rendezvous in a neau set-up..

but..

yeah.. there is a 'but'.. this time, it was not waking up in the morning..
for, this time, yesterday, it was waking up in the afternoon.. waking up from the afternoon nap..

well, the after effects of waking up remaining exactly the same.. the same feel.. the same mannerisms.. but yeah, it was not the 'conventional' morning..

so, for this once, wishing against norms and convention.. wishing for it to come true to me.. once more.. and for ever to come..

*#*#*#*

*You are my theme for a dream yes You are, 

A rare and lovely theme..

When I dream I kiss You, Music fills with starlight..

Everytime I touch You, Each and every time a chime rings out "I Love You"..

Only You for ever more..

'Coz You're my theme for a dream yes You are, 

A rare and lovely theme..

So angel please say that You love me too, And make my dreams come true..

Please make my dream come true..!*

*#*#*#*

♥

listening to 'patience' and 'just a kiss' back to back on a loop, and cant help but realise.. similarities.. parallels.. 

if 'patience' echoes You, then 'just a kiss' is all that i have to say..

and somehow, somewhere down the line, it aint very different..

just, meant to be.. and so, living it as..

♥

'hapyness' on 18.8.12 :)

happyness for me :-

1. licking off ketchup from the bottle
2. tearing open the courier envelope from Meano, in anticipation of what's inside
3. getting all the solutions of company accounts problems correctly and that too orally!

but the bestest one being :-

the customary "trrinngg" from You at 2015 and the greatest feel of overwhelm engulfing me.. knowing that I'm still there in Your reserved space, 'come whatever may'.. :)

♥

p.s. i may be reading a bit too much into the lines here.. but who cares? you aint supposed to define terms and conditions when you're happy for how to be happy!

'learnings'--of a certain kind ;)

watching the movie and the realisation dawns----
my cousin's then boyfriend, actually did a pretty good job with me.. coz, none of the adjectives in the movie seemed new.. and each and every one of it reminded me of the first time when i was being diligently explained their true essence over std phone calls.. :-P

so all i say to you, "dhanyavad guruji".. :)

frustrated post..!

and you know you have the worst weekend when :

• you are holed up in your room when its the most beautiful evening outside..
• you are sitting with all sorts of accounts books and papers open in front of you..
• your *.* lives 15 mins away and yet you dunno how to call him..
• you live in a shithole of a place and you end up liking all the weekend posts of your paradise city..
• and you have two back-to-back tests just following the weekend..

*grrrrrr..!*

:P

"mujhe aur b bahut kuch ata hai car mei karna :-P :-D"

just an other night..!

(me)feels like:

• a bowl of messy drippy spaghetti
• a cuddle
• steaming n pippin' chai
• movie in lapi, together
• pj's
• blanket
• dark room save the glare from the lapi
• the whiff of my fav smell
• the 'smooth'
• the feel
• the presence

You beside me.

p.s : if the 'feel' and this surge gets more profound, i might as well rush downstairs n sit in "Your black ride"..

p.p.s : and yes, i do have a 'first' with You :)

contentment.

cant think of anything but for these lines as for now.. seems wierd considering the fact that i dun identify myself with anything related to "bengalism".. and these lines are a part of a Rabindrasangeet, albeit in a translated version.. and surprisingly, after the 'share-alls' and the 'tell-alls' of yesternight, these lines seem the most befitting to illustrate all that has taken place, in all these times.. true meaning, well, maybe.. but as of now, it sums up everything.. everything includes the way i (still) continue to feel..

"achanak hum bichhad gaye gaye koi kahi, fir ye milan jab ho gaya sathi pran me samao"

p.s.: as for the 'updates' on all the 'actions' that you want to be notified by me, i cant really promise.. because of maybe so many reasons.. one of them being, its "us" concerned.. but, for now, just that you know, this is probably the best place ever that i hav been in this.. dunno, where it goes, dunno where its even headed.. but it sure has the strange and the odd feel of reassurance and comfort.. and for now, i am more than happy to take it.. and im not even thinking of whats gonna happen tomo.. i hav kinda frozen that time and replaying it over and over again.. :)

and yes, im gonna need you with me in this.. and i dunno any other way of saying this.. because, yeah, i really suck at these stuffs.. and you have to help me out.. at every point of time.. be my "wing-girl" for this one part of me.. *love*

p.p.s: i guess, by now you hav realised what the above "quote" really refers to.. ;)

you are supposed to feel happy and good after a meet with your loved one after a long wait of a year..
you are supposed to be dreamy eyed throughout the day and night after the rendezvous...
you are supposed to continue feeling your loved one's smell around you.. even hours after you have been wrapped around your loved one's loving arms..
you are supposed to fondly gaze at every picture of both of yours together..
you are supposed to be excitedly waiting for 'tomorrow' to come for another meet with your loved one..

and you are NOT supposed to feel shit and crappy.
but thats what is happening to me..
i feel the smell.. i relive the touch.. i go back to every syllable uttered.. i have the face and the smile, the hug and the embrace, the hold and the poise, the glittering eyes and the innocent brush against the knee, all frozen with me.. and yet, i have the unmistakable presence of that moist feel tingling the corners of the eyes.. and it wont be long before.......


p.s. and that is why, you should always say.. speak.. coz silence doesnt go well.. because, it screeches to me.. and when i need you the most, you cant be here with me..

disappointment

you get time to do everything but for that lil insignificant small almost barely noticeable something, which is probably the only significantly noticeable everything for me..

p.s. and so, just as you know, it will not kill you for doing it, but it definitely kills me by your not doing it..
p.p.s just one more instance, where you so live up to your "Name"..

to be framed

doing up a new house---sure is a lot of work..
doing up a new room--- sure (again) is a huge task..

doing up Your New Room---one HECK of the most huge truck-load of work!
coz it involves all those small nuances of the infinite nitty-gritties, which you have planned and stored all along your life till that point of time, in your mind, heart, brain, et al.. some random notes-to-attention tucked away in your drawer with careful earmarked stars.. those of the many pinterest boards that you have followed and the equally innumerable pins that you hav pinned to the boards of "wishlist", "for the wall", "products i love".. and then the time comes, when you finally have to put forms to all those wisps of imaginations..

for me, well, its still in the starting stages and phrases as of now.. so, i still have the cushion of time on my side, before i choose to go absolute frantic.. and so, while rummaging through my 'quite-a-lot' snapshots from everywhere and everytime, i have somehow managed to zero upon these many.. they are the ones, hopefully finally, that will adorn my shelf-top/table-top, whichever the case may be..

 Meano :) 'first' meet in the 'home' city, after 14 years! and as someone duly pointed out--"you both look really happy in this!"

Hans! the most random ever lunch-outs with her.. the best part being the coincidental zeroing in on the choice of food and the place(s)..

 this is me.. the most candid that i have ever been framed.. courtesy a friend from MMB-Deutschkurs..

 the oh-so-puh-fect! girls' night out!

 us B*****s! ;) *love yah!*

at Amritsar.. my first on-demand vacation trip to a place i wanted to go, for which, i even fought with my folks.. framed by Pops, with Cosmopolitan :) the blur-effect was not intentional.. just a result of not knowing the correct settings of the camera!

 Puneet.. the best and the most special New Year '11, till date.. may be for obvious reasons, not so apparently obvious..

 yeah! we literally lived out the vodafone commercials! my partner--in crime and otherwise.. and the added fact that no one believes us to be cousins! identical bandars :)

 Hans again :) a lunch setting--this time, planned.. on my 21st.. special indeed..

Hans.. Besties meet! yes gurl! you obviously ARE real special to me! 

every single one of the above, has a special memory and moment attached to it.. and thus, they being of utmost significance.. have been the happiest with them around.. and so, its only befitting that they 'live' with me.. forever.. irrespective of the 'where's.. 

and moreover, these will be the perfect complimentaries to my awesome 'door'!

the top one-third..

the subsequent one-third..

the last one-third..

and to say, this is just the 'begining'.. aage aage dekho, hota hai kya! my room is so definitely gonna be jaw-droppin'-eye-poppin'!

well.. a real breezer of a week!
and of course a blur and hell of a weekend!

after ages---"family" movie, though the movie had nothing to do with it being of the 'family' types.. followed by a real late "family" dinner.. and yes, the dinner had every bit of "family" in it! :)

and the ending of the day for me? well, a sweet something that was enough to put a smile on my face.. (#Meano)

.. its me and you..
against this world..
you the only love that i breathe breathe breathe..
you the only drug that i need need need
nothing ever gonna come in between us.

the 'one' love

the other day, A** Aunty was giving me the trivia behind the phenomenon of the lone boil/pimple on the otherwise plain, blemish free face.. as per her (folklore), it is the sign that some"ONE" is deeply in love with you.. the emphasis is on the "ONE" part here.. because, it singles out that some"ONE" from the rest of the probables someones in general.. and well, i suppose, it has its reasons as well.. coz, damned-fucked-shit, it sure happens to be pathetically and excruciatingly painful(sic)! yeah.. one careless brush with the softest of the cloth, and i almost yelp in pain! and its sharp!

so, i think, at this moment, i am well and fully aware of that singled out some"ONE" from the otherwise myriad of probable someones..
and well, its both ways.. but i seriously can, so well, do without this extra excess outflow and overflow of love.. the only reason-----damn its so painful!

p.s. and no, i don't and will never want it on your face either.. irrespective of whether you show it to me or not! coz, you know, i seriously give a rat's ass about the "distance"..

the "one" thing ;)

pre-marriage Extra-Marital  Affair..!!!

the one thing that's still left to strike off from "our" list..
yeah baby... bring it on.. :)

#love you :*#

:):(

just one of those days when i dunno how to be happy for him.. when i know that i wanna be so very happy for him.. when i know that i should be happy for him..

but somehow i know, 5.12 wont be the same anymore..
and i'll be missing those 5.12's..

p.s. i knew you'd come to see me.. i had this feeling from the last couple of days.. and i have never been wrong when it concerns you..

4.7.12

i couldnt be happy for someone else's happiness today..
i am the someone else's secret confidant, even as on this moment..
the someone else is the most special person in my life..

i am not a good girl..
i let the someone else down today..

i was supposed to be happy for him..
i thought i was..
i knew i wasnt..
and this isnt how it was supposed to be..

harassed and ditched

the one thing that i hate being me is that everything keeps falling off!

and thats definitely not desirable beyond a certain extent.. and unfortunately, for me, that "extent" per se, has long gone past!

special...

dear ******,

you had some different plans for the day six months back.. i was the party to your plan even then, at that time.. well, for the case of similarities, i cant be left far behind either.. six months back, i too had a plan.. a secret wish.. the only difference, i couldnt make you a party to mine in the real world.. so, at that time, you were a party only in my wishes while i was being all ears to yours.. smile on the face, and sad feeling inside..

but, today, i can feel the sweet feeling of that secret wish to be fulfilled.. it was so damn sweet special for me.. not only because it was with you, but for the fact that for once, what i had secretly wished for way back, came true in exactly the same way as i had pictured it.. "living the dream".. lived the dream.. i dunno how it was for you.. whether it was compulsion or otherwise.. but i would like to hope, that at least, for the time we were there, it wasnt miserable for you..

and since waking up today, the only lines that are befitting are stuck on my lips.. and my ears are ringing with them..

"meherbani jaate jaate mujhpe kar gaya..guzarta sa lamha ek daaman bhar gaya..tera nazara mila, roshan sitara mila..taqdeer ki kashtiyon ko kinara mila"

just know that, i wont forget this, ever.. even though if you claim that there's still loads to go for me to remember you by, i will always have this very day to remember you by.. the 'Date' Day, after all..

and for all those zillion stuffs that are going on inside, i cant do justice with words.. so, better you catch them, as you rate yourself (way) higher than bruno..


always as yours,
"identical" ♥

19.6.12

today, during the course of our many numerous plans, one deep desire of mine sneaked out in front of you.. i dunno if you caught it or not.. but you did respond to that.. which did leave a lasting impression..

i was thinking of going there this saturday..early morning.. i even checked out today while strolling in the morning whether it opens by that time.. and i was overjoyed to find it in affirmative..

but you just said, "nahake, sunday ko jana"..

and the result---howsoever hard i try, i just cant make my feet to move in that direction on this saturday, at least..

p.s. Me: why sunday?
      You: aise hi.. sunday ko acha hota hai..

16.6.12

#yo yo hunny singh!!!#


:):):)

constant grooving along it.. in the car.. in the room.. in the class when the teacher is not there.. on the stairs..  in between chatting.. in the lapi.. in the phone.. with the earphones..!!!!

even now while posting this! ;) *mein teri laila........(*#panting#*)*

#angreji beat de!#

desperate exasperation!

it seems like you have been gone for ages.. i mean, literally ages now!

why cant you just come back already?!

coz, i cant miss you nay more than what im already missing you.. or else, there is high chances of me going missing in the quest of missing you..

damn seriously..

get your a**e back in this fucking town..

j.a.l.d.i.


*huh!*

my devil's day

and what do i get in return?

"kal venus sun k aage aaega.. subah.. 6.30 se 9 baje tak.. khali aankho se mat dekhna!"





a living example of "love is blind".. :-P

70/100 as against 80/120..

and so no wonder, mamma has resigned and a  certain someone was/is not happy and frustrated..

guess, somethings just never change..

gotta do 'em all!

strangely enough, im never short of "lists".. of any manner, that is to say.. so, here goes, one of its kind.. again..

1. gotta buy earrings..
2. gotta buy a wrist watch..
3. gotta buy a bright pink/magenta leggings
4. gotta buy a satchel sorta sling bag..
5. have to have my own Sputnik Sweetheart, preferably on THE day.. (kinda thinking of pre-ordering it)
6. a nice kurta for pops..
7. something useful for mamma..
8. get a haircut..

and all these in three weeks flat.. and the countdown starts....*tick tock ticking tocking*

lessons for today--29.5.12

when two 'cold' ppl are concerned, a third party intervention is mandatory to get the things rolling!


undersigned:-
'cold' person #1
'cold' person #2

:-D

consequences--aftermath

never before did i ever think that consequences will have such an adverse effect on me and on everything around me that has me involved in it.. to say of that, i was prepared mentally and consciously about the 'immediate' ones.. 'immediate' refers to the pin-drop silence moment just after the bombshell.. 'immediate' refers to the moments of solitude following the awkward partings.. 'immediate' also extends up to the night of that (un)fateful day when i know i wont be at peace.. i was prepared for these all.. to say of that, i was prepared of ONLY these all.. i wasn't prepared to witness the phenomenon, first hand, of mind taking over body.. i wasn't wholly prepared of the numbness that surrounded me.. and it still is surrounding me.. and i still dunno what to do with it.. i was never prepared for dealing with it consciously.. and the adverse effect that it had, i never thought i would be doing that ever.. taking it all out, without waiting for or even wanting any empathysing or sympathies.. i just 'narrated' it.. and yes, at that moment i trully understood "every teardrop is a waterfall"..

if one of the consequences was going without sleep for 48 hrs, inspite of those 48 hrs involving frantic frenzy and every moment of chaos, the other consequence was the still persisting numbness.. to the extent that im hating myself for not being able to even "talk" to Bardidi.. and yeah, not to mention that awkward feeling and that still awkward skipping of a beat, when my phone echoes that particular tone..

yes.. it is horribly messed up.. and im dreading now for all the consequences, that will be following this.

consequences

i was judged to be as a person having strong analytical skills.. not any partial decision or judgement by some professor having a certain degree of biasedness towards me.. no.. this was the result established by the test taken.. the psychometric test taken.. a 'conclusion' of my sort.. and it said, majorly analytical..

according to it, im the one who is supposedly playing safe all the time..

yesterday night doesnt really match in sync with this.. i never calculated or even estimated all the happenings that happened after a certain particular incident.. so, am i really that analytical? or am i schizophrenic?

and the consequences.. well.. unaccounted tear drops.. uncontrolled streaming.. mood spoilers.. saddened.. morose.. feeling shit.. all these were the immediate effects.. the immediate conclusions.. all this inspite of my head buzzing with a million other activities.. all this inspite of my head throbbing with a zillion other thoughts.. all this inspite of me attending to our guests at night for dinner.. all this inspite of being in the constant presence of 8 people..

the alarming part comes later.. if i thought, all these were the maximum that it would go to, i was horribly mistaken.. i witnessed the phenomena of mind taking over body.. shit tired that i was yesterday.. long day at the training session.. the brainstorming for the felicitation program post the conventional training sessions.. the drive through stupid traffic back home.. the one hour ride with the certain someone prior to all these 'consequences'.. my body was a dead beat.. yet, inspite of everything, wherein under any other given day of normal circumstances, i would have fallen down and crashed on the bed the instant my head touched the pillow, i couldnt sleep.. simply.. my mind overpowered my struggling and tired frame.. and it prevailed.. barely 3 hrs of closed eyes, and for the first time in my life till now, i woke up with a start and without any alarm!
even as i am putting this down, a million things are running in my head.. the program sequence, the guests, the vote of thanks, the smooth sailing of the entire schedule.. and yet, i dun feel anything.. i will again be at the centrestage.. yet, i feel  shit.

consequences.. and i was not prepared for this..ever.

marginal costing..page open with the paper marker sticking out..kept in front.. almost counter staring each other.. kept aside..
twirling the pen in my right hand.. marveling the controls and finesse of my finger skills.. stopped doing it..
foolscap paper.. lying blank.. attempt at the vote of thanks.. yet to start..
cellular phone.. lying idle.. with an occasional buzz and ring..

and all it takes is just one look at that damned stupid cellular phone, every time it rings a certain tone.. that one thing against all the other above mentioned things.. and tears well up and not long before they roll down..

that should answer you how fucked up i am.

..

once in 6 months---i guess i can so very well do without that.. coz it turns to twice in 6 months for me.. which is more than twice as bad.. 'coz somethings, i can do without.. and there also are certain things, i can't do "doing without".. and this gets the prime spot in that list of certain things i can't do "doing without"..maybe 'coz it involves you..and that's when it amounts to two..

happy day Thursday!

happy day..
happy me..

happy morning sans fighting for bathroom space and turn with Pops.
happy morning and happy beginning for taking the Black baby out all by myself.
happy me for a mission accomplished--driving through the office traffic in the morning and parking nicely on the slope.
happy "interactions" and "meetings" in the Students Induction Programme.
happy sneak chats with my sweetheart in between.
happy plans of possible meet in the evening.
happy driving back home, safe and sound.
happy pops with the news and happy mamma with the views.
happy news of my best friend being engaged.
happy plans of my best friend's marriage.
happy feel of best friend's chats.
happy food after the long day.

and just when i thought i couldn't be happier more, i was proved wrong.. and so, as i end this, i'm off to meet my sweetheart.. for a night rendezvous :)

*love and happy kisses!*




"I have the ability of making you feel "SPECIAL" in a "COMMON" way but not of making you feel "UNCOMMON" in a "SPECIAL" way!!!"

s-u-n-d-a-y!! 13.5.12

good morning at 1100hrs..
coffee-ing till 1215 hrs..
skipping shower for the time being and letting everyone else take their time for that..
random plans of driving out..
unexpected charm by Drisha..
instant decision to go out---pops and me..
sudden addendum to the plan, with mamma deciding to join..
dressing up for an impromptu drive across the city..
mamma-pops dressed immaculately..
me content with flinging a shirt over a tee.. and of course the red shoes to go..
with the Black baby with me, next stop at the BL..
all this starting at 1400 hrs..
blazing hot outsides and pleasantly cool insides..
a perfect and well spent half hr in the sanctum sanctorum..
taking off from there to Cocoberry at 1500..
cooling off with berryblast with added blackberries..
dessert before food..
gliding over to dominos next door..
digging in to chicken wings and chicken golden delight..
all these at 1530 hrs..
a cross-over halt at reliance for some quick pickings at groceries..
with all these wrapped up by 1630, a straight beeline to Gandhinagar..
and ofcourse, a change of ownership of my Black baby..
shoe shopping followed by CCD halt..
with expresso and ice tea and water to go..
a short shift of ownership again..
its the highway, you see, mamma is still jittery about..
1820 and the Mirror beckons..
and my further plans for the extended evening..
1910 touching base..
a quick shower followed by the Mirror greeting..
Mirror meeting extending to an evening rendezvous..
finally destination home, when it reads 2115..
an all-together dine in dinner..
and finally calling it a day..
a Sunday, truly YAY!

returns.. after a strained year(almost)

and so, it brings about certain "likes" back in existence..

someone is happy, as a result of that..

i am a bit surprised by the returns..

"time" behaved funny in this matter..

there's this notable effort in smoothening out the edges..

and the conversation flows.. strained at the halts.. but otherwise, free..

p.s. : a very important lesson on ice-breaker.. advantage you, if you are a bong, and a dusky one.. advantage you 'coz you will be told having "chocolate bong looks".. and a real crazy analogy with Lisa Hayden! *:-D*

sunday

sunday morning.. shaky start.. groggily touching the floor.. looking like a zombie, so took my eyes off the basin mirror, and concentrated on the froth starting to peep out from the corners of the vaselined pink lips.. time to rinse.. a splash of water,  with a splatter on the mirror.. pat dry and then a second look.. well, "passable" verdict, so no more shying away.. with the minty taste in my mouth, a beeline to the already hustling-bustling kitchen.. addiction calls.. and can wait no more.. one burner is all i need.. at my disposal, and i warm.. i pour.. i inhale.. the first whiff.. intoxicating.. reassuring.. the belief restored, that i can still take it on, one more day.. the amorous greeting from my bestest Man.. and another beeline to the precise position on the couch, after a nod and a return greeting-smile.. cleared the mess, i need a safe place for my poison.. and messed the couch, around that precise position.. the middle cushion.. at that precise angle from the fan above.. yes, it has to be that precise.. i need the fan and i need the paper sprawled across the table.. in its full length and breadth.. my salvation.. and with each glug, the world just seems a little more livable.. and i think, "well, its not that bad".. i get company.. physical and metaphysical.. both of equal desires.. one i see and one i think (of).. the seeing overpowers the one i think of.. and before i actually even realise, its pushed back, somewhere.. far.. so, i continue seeing.. and listening.. its again my bestest Man and i.. and we begin from where we'd left last night.. the "horizons", the "elliptical path", the "pull", the "mass", the "relativity".. and we continued with "God", "ceteris paribus",  "universe=heaven", "foie gras", "okra".. and it spilled over to "expressions".. and this is where the one i think of comes to the fore, again.. and even finds a mention in the "expression".. yes.. so far so good.. the last glug done, its time for some smiles.. toothless ones.. precious ones.. unconditionally austere.. and it makes me realise, "how i'll give anything just to have that soft feel".. the clock tirelessly ticking.. the heat making its presence felt.. and time for another beeline.. to the cool embrace of the still cold water.. the tiny drops trickle down.. making their way like a streamlined furrow.. solitude.. in its own distinct way..

so, armed with all these, i think i can tackle the skeletons locked in and stashed inside.. and before, i realise, i find the one i think of, coming back to the fore.. one look at my door, and the floodgates open.. and it all rushes through.. this time, its not a streamlined furrow.. not time, yet..

*i remember every sunset..i remember every words you said..we're never gonna say goodbye..sing la-la-da-da-da.. tell me how to get back to..back to summer paradise with you..and i'll be there in a heartbeat.*

summer surprises for Her.

keeping myself contended by managing successfully (although unintentionally) in constantly keeping Mamma on her toes when it comes to surprising her--- with my "dressing sense(s)" {or, the lack of it, maybe}, that is.. 'coz she finds it a bit disturbing to find her daughter all fully covered from head-to-toe in this blazing and blasting summer on one day and the very same daughter prancing about in barely there trademark(ed) famous shorts and tee on the other day!

note: the "disturbing" mentioned above has nothing to do with the lengths (or, its lack, thereof) f the clothes on/of her daughter in question/context/discussion/interest. the "disturbing" is majorly attributed to the constant yo-yo-ing and shuffle shift.

and there are also days when she is pleasantly surprised.. i know its "pleasantly" surprised (sic) when i get her "kotha-o berocchhish?" those are the days when i ditch my usual and regular shorts/jeans and tee/shirts for something else..

but the best is always when i get her "kotha-o berocchhish" even when in shorts/jeans and tee/shirts..
 :)

amar bicchhiri ek taara!

for me its better if i don't romanticise things much anymore now.. i was suffering so much all the time.. sure, i have lots of dreams, but they are not in regard to my love life.. it doesn't make me sad.. its just the way it is.. i can't deal with a day-to-day life of a relationship.. ya, you know, we have this exciting time together and then he leaves and i miss him, but at least i'm not dying inside.. when someone is always around me, i feel like suffocating.. i mean, i'm really happy only when i'm on my own.. even being alone is better than sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely.. its not easy for me to be all romantic.. you start off that way and after you've been screwed over a few times you forget about all your delusional ideas and just stick to what comes into your life.. that's not even true.. i haven't been screwed over.. I've just had too many blah-ed relationships.. they weren't mean, i mean, they cared for me.. but there were no real connection or excitement.. at least, not from my side.. ........................

the moment(s).. it reminded me how genuinely romantic i was.. how i had so much hope in things and now it's like, i don't believe in anything that relates to love.. i don't feel things for people anymore.. in a way, i put all my romanticism in that one night and i was never able to feel all this again.. like, somehow this night took things away from me and i expressed them to you and you took them away with you and it made me feel cold, as if like, love wasn't for me.. you know what, reality and love are almost contradictory for me..

but it's my fault.. i know it's my fault..i never felt it was the right man.. never.. but what does it mean "the right man"? "the love of your life"? the concept is absurd.. the idea that we can only be complete with another person, is EVIL?!?! right?

you know, i guess, i have been heartbroken too many times and then i recovered.. so now, you know, from the start, i make no effort.. because, you know, i know it's not going to work out.. i know it's not gonna work out..

and there's already so much water under the bridge now.. its not even about you anymore.. its about that time.. that moment in time, that's forever gone now.. i don't know..

i always act like i'm detached.. but i'm dying inside.. i'm dying because i'm so numb.. i can't feel no pain, or excitement.. i'm not even bitter.. i'm just.. er....

24.4.12

and so finally after three days of countless and infinite number of repeatations on a loop, i'm off "raabta" hangover.. and more than me, mamma is supremely relieved about it.. 'coz, it was enough to drive her nuts.. (*hehe*) i mean, you really cant blame her much.. every 'staying awake' moment of hers was greeted with "raabta" on speaker.. so, you see, she has her own reasons.. and quite rightfully so..

so, past that "raabta" hangover, today is "akshay tritiya".. and i'm once again reminded of it by my sweetest naniji, who has started (albeit reluctantly) considering me as a hopelessly gone case.. and so, having just got off the phone with her, (and for the first time, we parted with a real s.e.x.y. "B-Y-E") i'm kinda thinking of turning the orthodox way today.. like, "shopping".. for earrings, that is.. *Wink!*

and yep.. that's the trad version coming forth.. plus, i do have the incentive to flaunt my new "pinks".. and well, one day wonder for the onlookers.. something like-- "ab tum bhi kya yaad rakhoge".

*devil grin*

17.4.12

and sometimes, some things just never change.. they dun change at all..

and tonight was the perfect example for it.. that omnipresent urge of meeting, which was subject to quite a lot of thwarting in the (very) recent past, finally gave way.. and it culminated into a "meet"..

it was again back to the favourite setting of all times.. dark nights.. lonely roads.. silent roads.. still air.. moonless sky.. un-twinkling stars.. the never ending roads.. roads to nowhere.. that lingering hope and assurance of the presence.. both physical and everything-else-other-than-physical.. that authoritative demand and its due realisation.. the puppy faced "wants".. and the gregarious returns.. with more than all that received..

and yes.. it makes me think.. that maybe.. just maybe, we do share a lot more than what we have originally bargained for.. maybe even without our conscious awareness for the same.. but yet that sub-conscious giving in, resigning ourselves to the faith.. and maybe, belief, even.. and whatever that it is, it sure runs deep..

and yes.. i know, i have put myself on the line of fire.. and the funny part, i'm unaware of whether i have it in me to withhold even the tiniest of the blows.. 'coz, immune i may be to the external infliction, but i still haven't taken into account of the self-atrophy.. and maybe, when it comes, i wont have it in me anymore.. but believe it or not, strangely enough, even for this, i get this feeling that i wont be the only one..

shubho nabobarsho 1419

well,.. a new year blog post toh banta hi hai.. :-D
and irrespective of it being my "conventional" new year (read:: 1st January) or the Bong version of it.. a New Year, is always a New Year.. ;)

and when it is the First Day of the New Year, it doesn't even matter to me how fantastically magnificent or horrendously hideous, the last day of the year bygone was.. 'coz, the hell with it.. this is "Poila Boishak" and a "Shubho Nabobarsho" for me.. *cheers!*

and my day (technically) started with a surprise.. a Mirror wish, for the same..i followed it by waking up in the morning to my loveliest Kakima's "shubho nabobarsha 1419! Bhalo theko", followed by a dear dahling wishing oh-so-sweetly.. ;)  then followed the many wishes and laughs and chats.. and ofcourse, how can i miss my "notun jama"? a sumptuous meal, followed by a great afternoon "ride".. and with the evening and night still on hold.. i think, this one is for keeps.. :)

a smiling beginning, at least.. and i'll take it..

***

Me : shubho nabobarsho :)

Him: ha bengali new yr happy happy.

p.s.: thats how it stands, after two years.. *:)*

"arre, tumhara answer vahi mera answer"

it was the Best possible night for the Worst probable day----- with all the addictions coming together and the "REAL" living of the addicted Habit!

and yeah, it just can in no other way, get any BETTER than this.. :)

**

Me: kal raat ko kya hua tha?

You: kya hua tha?

Me: HR questions?

You: are vo toh ainve hi net pe dekh raha tha yar..

Me: tho what were the answers?

You: told na der's no ans for that yar,, bas jo tumhe sahi lage :)

Me: aah.. :) toh tumhara kya answer hai unke?

You: are tumhara ans wahi mera ans yar..

Me: :):):):) *:blush!*

You: (.....)...ok help me with this-(..........)

**

and i hear the soft strings of "hoti hai kuch baatein, hoti hai raato mein" floating through my window..

dream

it doesn't make any sense.. and it shouldn't even have been there..
but it defied everything.. all possible reasons.. and logic.. and it was there.. it appeared there.. it made its way there.. and it stayed there..

and it happened after almost a year.. and there exists no probable reasons for it happening again.. and happening now.. again.. and it clearly makes no sense whatsoever..

and the most weird part, in the entire sequence of black-white-grey, the only coloured part was the tissue that the person handed me over, and it was-"Yellow"..

and everything else was the same.. the same bed.. the same window.. the same lights.. the same lack of lights.. the same mess.. the same everything..




p.s.:: i guess this is the aftereffects of too much of graphic descriptions of japanese fiction..

Mirror be damned! :'(

yes.. i had to blurt it all out yesterday.. the stupid damned me.. and all it required was my Mirror to come up with the very same views and questions, which i thought i am well able to handle when asked by my (own) self.. well, in this case, the phenomenon of "myself" happened to differ only to the point where the "physical" state of being differed.. yes.. the case of two different bodies and two sets of different organs.. with identical pairs of wiring.. and yes, it freaks me out.. it shakes me beyond any grounding.. try howsoever hard i may, i cant shoo it off.. neither can i stop clinging on to it.. complete paradox..

but even then, the proud that i am, and as maybe by now, known by the Mirror, i'll hold my ground.. and i think i can allow, albeit a bit reluctantly, my period of breaking down.. when i can allow myself to sit down in a corner of my room and cry.. or to take off from the house on to the street under the blue-black sky.. and yes, maybe, yesterday was not a good time.. but i'm glad that even then, i dint "bare it all".. even though, secretly i know, that minute glimpse was enough for my Mirror to know all that the Mirror wanted to know..

yes, i'll always be all smiles to all.. but for me, i will always know, what lies beneath that smile..

yes, whoever said it, said it true.. you should never look in the eyes of a dancer.. they can never lie.. and i only hope, that you dun stare into my eyes.. because, i can't lie.. can never lie to my Mirror..

:-x x-( :(

trying
hard
not
to
be
j-
u-
d-
g-
e-
m-
e-
n-
t-
a-
l.

and
i
am
not
sure
i
am
doing
a
good
job
of
it



:(

have a reason to wait..

and that's what keeps me going..

contradictory, you say?

maybe not, 'coz it all fits..

as rightly put by someone---

opinion--dumb--favourite

or even chicken and egg over rice

its the connection in them

that really matters in the end..

or maybe, "In the end, it doesn't even matter"..

but it still doesn't change the fact with which i started.. yes.. i still have the reason to wait.. and that's what keeps me going.

and after a real long time in space and all that in-betweens,
i know a "happiness" that was once used to be.

to know that you hold importance, unconditionally.. to know, that you make the world, albeit unconditionally.. to know, that you are the Right, when everything else is going wrong, and all that without any strings, and reasons, and hopes attached.. yes.. its the Absolute state.. and after a real real real long time, it returns to me..

and real true words----all we need is a little bit patience..♥ 


{come back bacha.. you know where you belong.}

i returned to a spring-cleaned home.. a spring-cleaned room.. spic-and-span.. with a straight bed, and my welcoming bacha-buchis.. all with their arms open.. it was gleaming.. with a shine.. a joy.. a hope.. and a reassurance.. that its a sweet home-coming.. and the tears can be taken care of..
but it was "apparently".. 'coz, inside the cupboard was the mess.. a physical mess.. not the mess of clothes.. no.. they were all neatly arranged in proper stacks.. it was the mess caused by the ugliness of a certain remnant.. another classic case (this time of a material thing) of "being proposed and couldn't dispose.. but not anymore, 'coz, ugliness has no space with me.. and getting rid of it, the cupboard seems alive.. once again.. as if, something has tore its gag and its free to breathe..

p.s: just letting it be is by far probably the best thing that acts as the best armour in terms of defense.. 'coz, even if you wanna "block", you will be forced to devote some of your precious beautiful moments of your life to that ugliness personified entity.. and its not worth it.. not worth at all..
getting rid of it, is the far extreme of the spectrum.. 'coz, that's how magnitudinally ugly you made it to be.. and truly said, its not everyone's cup of tea to cherish and safeguard the 'beautiful'.. and that's something, which was never your forte..

wishlist-part 2

splurge(s) on Mich.. *:wink! :grin!* and in this, not even my (Mirror) bf stand a chance of even a bare minimum of mention..

• birthday treat of a good 'time-keeper'
• my evergoing and everlasting love for Chumbak
• sparkles and glitter hoops for the ears
• long long drives on the solitary roads in the cool dark mysticisms.. (in this, (Mirror) bf will be definitely thought of..fondly..)
• the omnipresent efforts of building up MY LIBRARY

Dear "Mirror",

i'm still dazed.. dazed not because i'm giddy.. no that's not the reason at all.. but dazed to a certain extent because of all that i'm told in the last few days.. all that i have been an audience to.. all involving a certain annoyingly extent of commonness between me as well.. and i'm dazed when i think of the other side's probable retaliation to the other subject's final and ultimate subjection to my "book" of "situations"..(this is quoting the certain person in question)..
the last couple of days talks, have been revolving mostly around "good", "bad", the "rights and the wrongs" of it, the percievings on those "goods and bads", and the ever-existing tryst with "like", "love", of being caught in the web of "being there and yet not really there" and "not being there but yet always being there, that lingering presence, which cant be undone"..and with all this heavyweight and surprisingly free-flowing talks and sharing of views, giving of opinions and accepting those by both, taking of suggestions in a desperate attempt to end the inner conflicts, what dazes me is not the reason why this is being done.. not even the surroundings and neither the palpable mood.. no.. what dazes me is just one plain thought, which i cant just shoo away form the inside of my whacked-up mind..
for sometime (approximately 2 weeks now since its inception, officially), now that i have been thinking of all that is and all that it is tending to be, "partial" is probably the call of the hour.. and i have no further questions but a confession from my side.. i know what you mean when you tell me that if you "move on" it may not be the complete you at the end of it.. yes.. i know that.. you can never be the 100 percent that you were before you "moved on".. 'coz the same thing is with me.. even as the moment that i'm putting it down, i know, for you (and to you), i cant give the complete me.. and its not just that "fairy tale" which has a part of me(which you know about and maybe even approve of).. that's always there.. no doubt in that.. but a major part of me (read: my heart, mind, soul) lives with a certain p(ersonal).a(ssisstant) of mine.. remember, i told you that i understand when you say you're habituated with a certain person? well, i understand because, i am, myself.. habituated with such an existence now, that i cant think of any other mode of even existing, let alone living.. its just as breathing for me.. and just as you say, you'll wait even if you "move on", exactly the same holds for me.. for some wierd reason, sans any concrete assurance and surity (but enough to make it evident), i have also been waiting.. and maybe, knowingly-unknowingly and probably even consciously, i, myself, will also keep on waiting for that "habit" of mine to be realised.. maybe i'll leave it all, just to live my "habit"..

and now, my question back to you, is again the same as yours:
"Can you live with something like this? i'm not reliable.. no seriousness.."

if you have an answer to this, then maybe, you'll know what my answer is..

*love*

p.s.: as a personal experience, "rebound" is never a good end.period.

"i like you..seriously..i mean,i genuinely like you..i really like you..a lot.."

Like: vb to be suitable or agreeable to; to feel attraction toward, or take pleasure in: ENJOY; to feel toward: REGARD; to wish to have: WANT; to do well in this; approve; to feel inclined: CHOOSE, PREFER

Like: n something that one likes

Like: adj the same or nearly the same; closely resembling the subject or original

Like: prep having the characteristics of; typical of; comparable to; in the manner of; such as

Like: n one that is similar

and yet again, i was subject to another mirror encounter, wherein there was a dangerous flirting with the subtle differentiation between, "love" and "like".. with the vehemently profuse declaration of the latter with an authority that scares me and yet makes me stand up in admiration, the confusion over the former still couldn't be resolved..is it because of being too frightened to face the reflection? or being scared to lose the reflection once admitted?

one thing is evident..whatever it is, it is screeching itself loud and hoarse..either it is being given a royal snub of ignore or it is being carefully muffled..

so, till the time someone decides to hear it, and hear it for good, its a wait.. a wait, which has no long and short..

:-D

and it's MY way AND the Highway!

:-D

missing a certain time in long back gone days, where there used to be a certain Buzz,  and when there used to be a certain "follow" on those..

yes.true.period.

ok.. honestly.. its a same_to_same.. *mirror dislike*

cant handle reconciliations.. and horribly suck at confrontations..

:(

Jack is back!

so so so..... my phone rings..("...road to nowhere..")
i finally pick up.. and i hear a lot of disturbance, air and hustling followed by "hello"..
i "hello" back..
"hello" again..
i "ya" back..
"aritree?"..
i "yes" back, fully surprised.. my mind already on an overdrive..*it was an unknown number..no, i don't recognise this voice.. this ain't a voice i have heard in the recent past..ok..who is it who knows me so confidently?who*..
and i'm brought back to the conversation by "pehchana?"
i again give a "no" back..
"Jack.."

BANG! and that was it.. and what followed was an immediate "Jackass?!".. and the rest. well, it was mostly incoherent for the major part..punctuated with abuses thrown randomly at will.. but the smile never faded from my face and the laughter never escaped from his voice..

a long long hiatus.. a long long time when a certain J*** was lost among the crowd.. but the feeling when it all comes back? the feeling when a certain J*** is back with a certain J***?

Priceless.

p.s. it wont be much of a surprise, if i end up going to sleep tonight, listening to "Jack is Back" on a loop.. 

facts..

the fact that both of us have each other, works as the most wonderful drug of reassurance to me..
the fact that both of us have each of us in that same space, lets me be without any inhibition..
the fact that both of us know about the said fact, is probably the bestest ever thing that can take place between the two of us..ever..

and the best part being, experiencing the fact, that the time stays still between the both of us, at the same time, inspite of sitting in different parts of the country..

and so the fact still remains..neither of us can do without each other..
the fact remains--"i love you"--from either ends.

this should answer you, p.a. :)

"A sensitive soul, highly intuitive, the Cancer female needs a partner who would be able to respect her myriad emotions and wavering moods. Tough out, soft in, a Crab girl may be extremely shy in the first few meetings, leading one to believe that she has airs. However, this is just the time that she needs to understand the tuning she may share with the other person. She needs to be sure of the reliability of her partner, before she open up. Crabby girl craves stability, and is often attracted to confident, secure individuals; her ideal partner needs to be both tough and tender. The heart rules a Cancer female, and she believes in taking small steps in a relationship, mostly to ensure that she lets only the right people in. Once in love, she may become clingy, though. She takes the longest time to feel secure in love, so once she is involved, she is totally committed. Her family and friends are crucial to her existence, so she expects her partner to get along with them. All these are signs that she takes this relationship seriously, so the smooth-talking players should stay away."

love being me..and a rat's ass to all the bullshit around!

yes, off late, i have been flying.. i have been overwhelmed.. i have been reluctantly ecstatic.. yet i couldn't stop gushing everytime it rang.. it drove me nuts, everytime the airtel money ad came on tv.. the only reason being the "ringtone" of the ad, per se.. it was exactly the tone of my gtalk notifications on my phone..

and the reason of me being nuts at that? its simple.. i wait for the gtalk pings.. and everytime with that ring, my heart goes aflutter..

yes, off late, my recent obssession on gtalk has primarily being labelling the chat history under "same_to_same".. each and every one of them.. everyday..

yes, and being as recent as a lil more than 24 hrs (now that i write this), i have allowed myself to fall in love all over again with the night ride, with the sharp chill in the air brushing my face, with the hands entwined.. snugly.. comfortably..

yes, off late, i have let myself loose.. set myself free.. given a rat's ass to all the damned concern of otherwise.. just to be me..

and so it comes.. "love you" at quarter to midnight.. followed by an emphatic "yesh"..


p.s. : had forgotten, what it was, to be just me.. maybe, at times, sometimes, you do need a "Mirror" for yourself..

whoa!

some "day" sure this is turning out to be.. the Third of March, of the year 2012.. and it was never even my Lucky Day of the year..

a serious night of reconciliations.. (and you also have your wish in it p.a) a bit too overwhelmed for my comfortable liking..

im at a serious loss of everything.. words, emotions, feelings, senses, realisations, et al.... everything.. have no clue abt the keyboards as well.. just furiously striking on them..

he did put it very rightly.. we dun know any retracing.. and that said, even ending doesnt come easy to us.. but once its reached, it surely is the termination.. everything involved in it dies.. and thats inclusive of all the years invested in forming what was there, all the feelings vested, all the smiles shared and all the tears cries.. you just dun feel anything after that..

but i ask him now, "if you were in my place, would you also do what im doing? or would you have begged to "differ"? for this once?" but as its "me" in this place right now, i guess, its only "me" who has to take the call.. "maybe, someday (oneday), if you know abt it (if you may), you'll also agree.."and thats the only reassurance that i carry with me, as i take a baby step forward towards retracing..

and yes, its back to that again..

rewind to an exact couple of years.. the only difference this time round-----the calender reads 2012.

You

and yet, this is just one of those times that gives me a faint glimmer of sheen.. which makes me to hold on to that belief.. that it still lives.. and all of a sudden, everything else seems superfluous..
.
..
...
....
...
..
.
and well, maybe..... with baited breath, i do wait..somewhere down the line..

double identity :D

the mirror seems to have absolute insignificance when i'm with you.. the "only" difference that lies between us, is probably the "biology".. its like seeing myself in front of me, in a different shape..and in a different name..but the very same me..

:-D

Dear Mr. X,
For some pertaining and persisting reasons, you will never know what really goes on in my mind and heart.. All those times we had that were so beautiful.. Agreed, most of those were borrowed, stolen and some even sneaked.. But nothing to deny the fact that those were some of the very good ones, that at least I may have.. And I'd like to wish for the same for you as well..

Yes Mr. M, you were right.. In many things if not in all.. You were right in demanding.. Demanding nothing else, but just the whole me..My being, my conscience, my thoughts, my life..

But you went horribly wrong in one aspect.. And that unfortunately happened to be the base..

No Mr. M, you were not right in being with me..And definitely no, Mr. M, for even assuming that I can make you my life.. Because, you see Mr. M, I could only make you a part of my life..

So, now do you see, Mr. M, where did you go wrong in being with me?  'Coz, I am thoroughly incapable of handling all those adulation and admiration, and not to forget "love".

I'm sorry, Mr. M.. but all I can do is to hope that you understand. And I wish you love, luck and a happy face forever..

Yours truly.


p.s. i had to change the salutation.. M actually is altogether a different person.. and this (erstwhile addressee)M was meant to stand for someone self nick named as 'mouse'.. now that it doesn't exist any more, i see no point in creating confusion.. and so, 'X' it becomes.. and will continue to stay that way, henceforth..

p.p.s M brought this to my notice way back.. and for some reason i dint bother changing it then.. and for some reason, i'm bothered enough to change it now..

"savvy"

we are a generation, for whom, "being together doesnt require to be physically being together"..

copied these from a commercial..but they ring true..surely.. 

(move over to the next page)

the visual impacts us in a strange way..we may claim that we dun require any external means to remember something or someone..the ones we love are always there within us in our hearts. Blah! but the truth still remains, and annoyingly too.. the visuals do set off a wierd chain of feelings.. and by visuals, i mean the hard copy..in other words, the tangibles.. its a funny thing--memory..more funny is the plural--memories..coz, more often than not, its only in our solitary state of being, do we tend to go back to those, or, bring them to front.. and that is exactly what happened..and yes, i succumbed..

watching the crazy doings of Capt.Jack Sparrow had a special charm with you beside..the crazy laughs we shared, made his mundane acts look super crazy and hilarious..those stupid jokes, and the ever running rattling speech..the intangibles..

(flipping over to the previous page)

yeah..i do need to take note.