naMe

i don't spy on him.. and i'm sure neither does he.. we've never been together.. yet he was always there to be found.. something in the name, maybe.. because, it was always assuring in a way to find the presence of the name..
and now i don't see it.. maybe, it's just a momentary technical glitch.. but the name is absent..
and i feel empty.. un-assured..

line

the most difficult thing to be ever have been taught to us has to go back to the time, when the preschool teachers busted their asses off while teaching us how to draw a "line"..literally so..
because, no matter how much hard you try, you can never get it right.. because, it would never be straight enough... and then came the drawing class and the equally horrid and treacherous drawing teachers, who were insistent to the point that we draw "straight" lines, without the aid of the ruler.. and if that was not enough, we were also expected to be able to draw perfect replicas of sets of parallel lines, straight, curved, slanting, waves, et al..

and then life starts to happen, and somewhere among all that, you are expected to draw lines again.. starting with drawing a line on the lab-tables de-marking the experiment areas, drawing a line on the sand to separate the teams position, drawing a line to mark a place to start, and it goes on and somehow it gets tangled into the metaphors..

and even before we can pause to reflect on all these, the said "line" has by far moved from being the "literal" line to the "metaphor" line.. and this time, its our asses that're caught or stuck on the wrong side of it..

in all my growing years, one lesson that had been constant was regarding this "line".. line between right/wrong.. to do/not to do.. less/more.. yes/no.. so drawing line is never alien.. i have been doing this for a quarter of my life now..

but today, i drew a line.. and suddenly i was rushed with the feel that im being the bad guy here.. and then it struck me, those people had been very convenient about it earlier.. coz they never thought it necessary to give me a heads up on this..

so, we should draw a line.. marking our territory.. to tell people not to take us for granted.. to tell them that i'm not their's for grab.. to tell them that it still happens to be me who controls my life.. and that, they belong to the other side of the line..

but what do i do of this sudden rush?

because, i cannot line with it, at least for the moment.

scared/scarred

you are the kind of a guy, i'm almost tempted (and maybe, at times even inclined,) to discuss my nail-polish colour with.. not to mention that i have anyway made you a part of my shoe shopping and my other extravagances..
didn't feel any restraint then, while doing all these..
but for some reason, i cant help but fight the urge to continue in this non nonchalant manner..

scared? or maybe scarred?!

or maybe, both, even?!


{time doesn't heel.. it makes you skeptic..}

pseudo-bong!

he tells me, "you have 0% kolkata blood in you."
i agree.
i guess, this will be the One thing that i will never dispute on.. i dun have any kolkata blood in me.. i dun think myself as one either.. and my 3 years stay there during undergrads doesnt help the cause either..

he used to be my translator back then in college.. things havent really changed much since then..
he still is the translator for me.. this time, for all his one-liners and/or compliments and/or teasers.. makes mamma happy.. well, as it has me speaking a couple extra words of Bong, which is a definite yay moment for mamma..

i still love the durga pujo though.. not for any bong sentiments.. despite the fact that i still wake up at 0430 on mahalaya to catch it airing on the radio..even to this day..inspite of the 0% kolkata blood.. *charming!*
i love the durga pujo time, only for notun jama.. and this is where i prove my 0% kolkata blood..

he was outrageously scandalised.. the night, when i was telling him all this.. lying down on the bed, next to each other.. both happy and content.. my happy almost bordering on the boundaries of being high and tipsy on grass, smoke, and lots of alcohol in the blood, after a drought of about 6 months.. and his happy was calm, and relaxed.. relieved even, may be.. but more of content.. the satisfaction kinds.. and he was genuinely amused and bemused by my so un-bong-ness.. he was, at some point of time, in those wee hours of the night, really marveling upon this wondrous creation of pseudo-bong, that was me!

but, my undergrad stay in his proud home and heart city bore fruits today.. and it all unfolded during the movie.. *showtime*
and i am sure, if he would have been there today, beside me, watching the movie with me, together, he would have stood up in applause.. because, that was "jorashankho thakurbari" and i was the one to spot it right! :-D

and that IS a big thing..
and he sure knows that..!

i tell him, "well, i atleast look the part.!"
he agrees.. this time.. undisputedly..
"you bet you do!"

{and this reminds me of the "bet" we had on my birthday.. the bet he let me have my way.. the bet he let me win my way.. undisputedly..}

p.s. : this pseudo-bong loves you.. in nothing like a pseudo manner.. ;)

twinkling toes

it's not entirely incorrect to say (and admit, in my case), that "love" makes things alright..
sometimes, its the love for a person.. love for a thing.. a place.. some 'action'.. a happy place in your memory palace..
sometimes you can see.. sometimes its tangible.. sometimes not.. sometimes, its only the feelings.. the way you feel.. the way it brings a smile on your face, when you look back at it in retrospect..
sometimes, its the best 'pick-me-up' when you are in the downers..

for me, this specific love is not really in the tangibles.. coz, i cant really 'touch' it (sic).. yet, it doesnt qualify as the intangible either.. and today is yet another day when it proves its effectiveness in making things alright..

definitely not the best of my days today.. when my body's resistance is almost at its tethers.. the wbc's are definitely overworked.. and another prospect of a ruined weekend doing no good to the already worse feelings.. the glucose ditching me.. so, in short, im fucked..
and voila! nothing can be any more appropriate for the 'love' to kick in and sort things out! right? the favourite song, the inviting beats, the closing of the doors, and "twinkling toes" in business.. DANCE!!!!!!

almost half hour and it weaves its magic.. who gives a damned fuck about the glucose, anymore, eh?!

{the love for a person exists as well.. but, its too vulnerable.. the distance not really helping the cause.. and neither do the 'missing you' moments..}

so, whenever it doesnt look up, all you gotta do is put on your dancing shoes!

concurrence..

"Perhaps the best thing we can do as individuals and parents is tell the kids around that marriage isn't the ultimate goal.. It isn't even an intermediate goal.. Or even a tiny goal.. Screw the TBZ ads and the whitening cream commercials.. Ignore Chetan Bhagat and Shaadi.com.. Marriage is downright unimportant in the overall course of things..

In India you don't need to be married to have a child legally.. Or even to inherit and pass on property.. Marriage is just a social custom where a bunch of old people shower rice on your head and believe they are giving you their permission (or, direction in some cases) to sleep with someone.. As you can imagine, it has little or no legal necessity or significance..
Life is compulsory.. Marriage is an optional extra.."

i came across this while idling about 'virtually' (quoting someone here, 'someone's recent favourite word to use, ranking after "pleasure" nowadays).. and i daresay, i myself couldn't have put it in any better terms..
of late, there have been instances where i have been subjected to badgering of some sorts by certain 'so-called' well wishers (i say 'so-called' because that's what they like to think of themselves as) and my ex (who, as it happens, is happily married by now, with all due credits coming my way, and so he wants to return the favour).. and i always have the very same thing to tell them--"whats all so important and urgency in getting married?"

i personally, am not against marriage.. and definitely not against people who choose to tread along that path.. but, saying that, i'm definitely against ALL those, who view marriage as the "be all and end all" of everything..  and funny part, neither of those people, have, till date, been able to give me the reasons for them to believe it as the "be all and end all".. so again, why propose when you can't dispose?

the 'author' here, has used really harsh views for certain 'people' and/or organisations.. well, i believe that it was plainly in the context of this whole 'marriage's (or the lack of it) issue.. and well, i beg to differ with his opinions.. for one, i cannot 'screw' TBZ.. i mean, that'll be sacrilege.. those people make some real jaw-dropping, eyes-popping, freaking awesome jewellery.. personal experience, and YES, i mean every word of it.. that being said, it'll be really unfair to associate TBZ ONLY with marriage.. c'mon.. a girl doesn't need a reason to flaunt her jewellery, does she (ever)?

and for the nation obsessed with "whitening creams" (which, much to my amusement, has managed to permeate even to the so-called-non-fussy-and-always-away-from-the-beauty-paraphernalia-hypocrite-bunch-of-MCPs and thereby giving rise to a new 'fashionable' word "metro-sexual")---that should be screwed.. funny how people are so skeptical in all fields of their life and so drastically opposite of it in the most evident feature.. people should realise that if the application of the so called 'whitening creams' really played a part in 'whitening', those very firms would have been out of business by now.. coz, everyone would be fair (or, 'white')..  but yeah 'con' cares? (pun intended).

and the only reason why i admire a certain Chetan Bhagat, is solely because of the undisputed fact that he is a red-bricks' alumnus.. period.. and, so for that matter, whosoever that comes out of those red-bricks, i bow to thee.. no hesitation there..

so yes.. i, myself, am not really interested in being showered white rice on my head by some bunch of weird old people.. and of course, i'm not really seeking for "permission" either (if you get the drift here).. i can still get TBZ stuff, have a child, deal with the property nuisance( the IT dept makes sure of that, those bloody bloodsucking bloodhounds)..

and i choose to live the life.. while still alive..
and about the 'optional' extra, i choose to do without it..

and so i concur----"Life is compulsory.. Marriage is an optional extra.."
period.

stranger's meet

over two hrs and 57 lines.. alternate replies, that is..
but, a conversation nevertheless..
opposite ideas, conflicting interests.. but always a mutual consent to end with..

that's why, conversation is an art..
holding a conversation is a skill, not everyone possesses..
and the sheer ability of drawing the one to a conversation on a regular basis, over the most unassuming talks, and lasting that for over hours, even on an average, necessarily requires a very special set of charm and personality.. with equal parts of respect, chivalry, playfulness, wit and innocence..

and crossing paths with someone as above, is always a happy moment in the day..
which you always look forward to, in 'every' days..

#CantForgetLovelyTalks..
indeed..
:)

no reason

because i write when i'm in a happy mood..
because i write when its glum..
because i write when i'm sad
because i write when i'm super pissed with someone or at something..
because i write in fond remembrance..
because my propensity to write experiences an increase in manifolds when the death bell of the exams is dangling precariously around my neck and ringing a deafening din..

and today's will be all of the above mentioned, except the second, the third and the fourth in the order from the top..

messed up 'promise'

turns out that i'm making a mess of one thing that i prided myself on.. keeping promises, that is.. and what makes this worse, is the fact, that i'm dealing with only one promise (yes, in singular) here, and that too i haven't come across till now to keep..

the thin spine stares at me every night from the shelf, and i feel a horrible and sharp jibe at my conscience.. one good thing, it proves that i at least seem to be having one with me.. and that does no good.. because, the promise is still not fulfilled.. or even close to being fulfilled..

what keeps me from it is the essence.. its a book about 'love'.. a damned 'love story'.. so, ask me why i have that sitting on my shelf? because, it features M in its credits.. that IS the ONLY reason for me to even buy that.. and when i did i never gave it a thought of reading.. or even, turning the pages.. the reason--its a 'damned love story'.. yeah, you can say, i'm kinda cynical about this 'emotion'.. no offence.. 

so, why the promise? because of my one stupid blabbering that google brought up in some search of Mr.Author, that led him to read the nonsense blabbering, that further led him to comment on that nonsense blabbering, which ultimately made me to promise.. aaarrrggghhhhhh!!!!!

plus the fact that i never committed to any time limit worsens it, coz now i have no bloody compelling incentive to go anywhere near in keeping the promise.. and all this makes those jibes at my conscience all the more fierce..

i know, Mr.Author is never gonna get a whiff of it.. he is probably not even aware of any such thing happening.. but, it still remains at that--

i'm making a big mess of a promise.. "my" promise.. and it's not helping me.. 

conversation, charms, and you

conversation..
lasting for just a lil over an hour..
spanning over years.. six and a half, to be very precise..

conversation..
longed for..
and since a very long time.. two months almost, to be very precise..

conversation..
thought of..
and hesitated..

but not anymore..
not tonight..
conversation.. of all those unsaid words, and passed moments..
of all those times bygone..
of all those times, forced like they were..

conversation..
because, the charm still holds..
holds true.. to the hearts..

conversation..
and thus sparks a hope..
a hope strong enough to sleep on..
bold enough for me to put back my smile..

*love you!*
*always*
*xoxoxo*

damned

and i'm  hating my damned Jack who is now damned, for he introduced me to a damn-awesome book..
no, he is not damned because he made me get hold of that book or even introduce me with Kvothe..

he is damned because, i don't have the damn luxury of the damn time to sit with this damn-awesome book in one go!

courtesy damn tests and damn assignments riding up my damn a**e!

#huff!

looong list...to be continued!

1. Red
2. Hamley's
3. 5" pumps
4. Japanese love
5. Scribbler poster
6. Tempting(sic) bookmarks
7. Soul
8. Shots
9. Chumbak
10. Smiles

and its gonna be a real long one this time.. :) a looooooonnnnnnnggggggg to be continued!

comedy of (colourful)errors!

my super awesome white whistled merrily atop the mantelpiece.. i shrug off as my acknowledgement to its sweet whistles..

and a closer look kinda loosened me up.. meaning, i couldn't stop but grin in a real devilish manner on seeing and reading 'something'..

of well! it was a standard wish for the festival.. well, at least, its safe to assume here that that's what it was supposed to be.. but what it turned out was something like this---"happy Hoti"..

now again, this can have varied connotations.. so to each his own.. 'coz i'm fosho not divulging mine here.. but yeah, it was enough to have me grinning in that signature devilish manner..

and i was supposed to be polite.. so i was supposed to reply to the message.. and after a lot of effort, i finally managed "wish you the same"...!!!!!!

blah'd along the shitness.

the day was s***.. not that it started out that way.. no.. infact, the start-up was decently alright.. good, in fact..  waking up "earlier" than my usual schedule.. waking up "peacefully", that is to say, sans the bludgeoning by the kid.. a nagging headache, but well within the tolerable limits.. no mad rush for the bathroom.. no fights over the same with pops.. the usual cup of coffee.. the usual space and time for the newspapers.. it was going nice and smooth.. back in my room.. checking mails.. the download from last night finishing.. you see, it was decent.. even sitting down to study for the test.. and then abandoning it right at the beginning when being called by the girl friend for a movie.. morning show of a movie which was in the list to be seen.. really good movie.. coming back home in the afternoon.. a good lunch, with almost all my favourites..
so, what could possibly have gone awry that i end saying. the day was s***?

stumbling over the "chats".. those conversations.. those stupid random blabber worthy conversation.. the almost never ending ones..
and that, fucked me up! completely and in a real royal way..
and i needed to get my mind off it..

pen and paper came to my rescue.. and a lil help from the camera and instagram and other photo edit stuffs..

found this tucked away in some forgotten corner of my book.. 

i don't believe in god, but i know that you do!
i don't pray either, but i know that you do!
but i do wish!
i believe in miracles and i know you'll believe in mine!
and so i wish---

came across this photo of a muslim lady offering her prayer on a photoblog.. and for some reason, i dunno why, i started scribbling this on the paper.. and before i actually realised, the frame was done already.. i couldn't finish this.. and so, it stays like that.. a bit barren, yet, not that odd-to-the-eye..

work in progress

this is my attempt at reproducing an artist's impression of a Bandra House.. yes, this house actually exists even today.. i dunno, how close or far away i am to the original work, but atleast, it looks like a house.. and the auto too looks like an auto.. i asked for approval on this from three people.. three close people.. Pops, being the first one.. he said its good.. the next person being a school-friend of mine, because, he was fascinated with the auto in the original picture.. he gave me an 'awesome'.. and of course, i have to pass it through M.. he says he loves it.. and he also says, im a crazy artist..

maybe i am.. this sudden spurt is definitely attributable to being crazy.. 

thats how bad those erstwhile loved conversations fucked me today..

and maybe, crazy was the only way to go around that..

and yes, maybe the graphite and the paper do have the magic touch to soothe me.. and i'll say, that, its a bit better now.. after all the sudden surge of scribblings.. 

but that wont stop me from saying, even now, and still, that the day was s***!

and it stays at that..

Have I really changed?

kalke obdi it used to be only the outsiders..
such as, the colleagues, acquaintances, neighbours, friends, and the likes of them..
where, a little change of attire, on my end (read : Indian trad, further read : kurta) would result in,"wow! you look so *****y.. and you're so dressed up.."

so, the surprise comes when it's Mamma..
a plain brownish yellow kurta, was all that it took for her to say, "aajke eto sheje-guje hotath?"

so, the point--Have I really changed, that much, that even Mamma gives me such reaction?

p.s. i told Mamma, me wearing a normal kurta doesn't qualify as being "sheje-guje", unless it is accompanied by pretty earrings, wrist full of bangles and may be a bindi too!

crush-ing imperfection :)

so, we meet today.. after a real long one month.. and oh boy! ain't i happy!

he is perfect.. 

ticks off all the correct boxes of mine.. 

he is tall.. 

he is handsome.. 

he's got a good mop of hair in the desired shade, oh so perfect!

he is nicely built.. not too fat.. not too thin.. not the skinny types.. and neither the bulging types.. just the right version for me.. :)

fair doesn't apply to him.. as that's his skin..!

and absolute mesmerizing eyes.. not the poetic version, and neither the artist's version.. just the right 'eyes'..

and such a cute smile!

oh! and the way he smiles..

he rides a Bullet..

and he cleans it himself too.. with buckets, mops, waters, et al.. all serious hands down approach!

and he lives just two buildings away!

so you ask, "imperfection?"

well yeah.. meeting today.. and where? at the druggist! well, that's not too bad.. but him checking me out in my pj's.. nah! that's the embarrassing part.. at least for the time being! *chuckle!* coz, next to me, he looked super hot in his shorts-tee-loafer with his messed up hair all over the face!

so, bad dreams resulting in a morning like this? aah well! i can take the bad dreams then.. :)
as long as i get him in my mornings.. though, preferably not in a drug store and in pj's..!!!


*flying! violins!!!! reds!!! pinks!*

..and he said,"YES."

him : "we need to buy a car.."

me : (surprised look) "really?"

him : "yes, pretty much.. and i'm serious about this.."

me : "ohk.. if this is so much on the serious note, then can i chose the registration number? i already have something in my mind.."

him : "haha.. alright.. yeah.. you do that.."

(and he says yes! and he says yes! and he says yes! *jumping with joy!*)

when yours truly becomes the chef!

date : 10th March, 2013.
day : Sunday
venue : Home!

and yours truly dons the chef's hat!
occasion : ?
none special.. being Sunday is all i need! oh and yes.. no classes being added bonus! and no tests being the fringe benefits and incentive!
so, my folks decide to have me as the appointed chef for the day! the old man goes to the market.. and well, by the time he returns, im finally awake.. and the decision took place subsequently!

and so, the menu? *drum rolls!*
presenting, the Parsi staple.. Dhansak! and well, im no expert at that.. and today was only the second time that i'd be even attempting that! but yeah! thats on! and how.. :)

umm, i probably may have not followed the 'authentic' recipe or the 'way to cook'., but the end result was finger-lickin'-good.. so yeah, who cares about that, as long as it tastes awesome, such as the entire thing faces the danger of disappearing in a very short notice..!

so, the fact that it was a finger-lickin' success, i thought of putting it here..(narcissism on the high!) presenting, yours truly's version of a Parsi flavour!

and thats how i began.. well, this one is when im done with the choppings and the washings and the assemblings of the myriad ingredients..

ingredients : 

• chana dal : 1 cup
• arhar dal : 1/2 cup
• masoor dal : 1/2 cup
• mutton : 1 kg*
• oil : 2 tbsp*
• cumin seeds : 2 tsp
• green chilli slit : 8*
• ginger paste : 1 tbsp
• garlic paste : 2 tbsp
• onion chopped : 4 large
• tomato chopped : 4 medium
• salt : to taste
• red chilli powder : 4 tsp
• coriander powder : 4 tsp
• cumin powder : 4 tsp
• turmeric powder : 1 tsp
• garam masala powder : 1 tsp
• lemon juice : 2 tbsp
• fresh corriander leaves chopped : for garnishing*

*mutton can be either with/without bone.. doesnt matter!

*chillies is entirely dependent on your preference.. i tend to go very low on that..

*oil, again is something according to your preferred usage..

heat oil in a pressure cooker.. add cumin seeds and green chillies and saute till the cumin seeds start turning brown.. add ginger paste and garlic paste and saute for half a minute.. add onions and saute till golden brown.. add tomato and salt and continue to saute for 2 more minutes.. add the chilli powder, coriander powder, cumin powder, turmeric powder and mutton and saute for 2 minutes.. stir in the garam masala powder.. add 1 cup of water and bring it to boil.. close the lid and cook till you have 2 whistles.. when the pressure has reduced completely, add the soaked dals, and 3-4 cups of water, depending on the already existing water content in the pressure cooker.. bring it to boil (again) and cover the lid till you have 8-10 whistles.. allow the pressure to reduce completely on its own.. remove the lid.. stir and mash in the dals lightly.. stir in the lemon juice and the coriander leaves (if you wish) and simmer for 5 minutes.. and voila! you're done!

and this is how mine looked.. well yes, i havent put the coriander leaves, as i dun like the ghaas pattas! 

and so, this was out grand Sunday lunch! the one i'm proudly bragging about.. current inspiration would be the movie Julie & Julia.. and Julie being my inspiration (needless to say!)

and by the taste of it, well, me and pops literally licked off our plates clean!

so, a fuss free indulgence.. and all done in an hr! :) point of advise though, get someone to chop onions! thats a real dampener!

aah! so, after a meal like this, a Sunday, even in a shithole of a place like mine, seems grand!

well, mine sure is! at least, this Sunday!

daddy's darling

her : tora dui bon mile toh bochhor bochhor notun phone kinchhish!
me : heehee.. or ta janina.. but, for me, daddy's darling it is!

*hop-n-skip-n-jumpity-jump-jump-slip-n-slide-n-hoppity-hop!*

trigger

it was almost a lil more than three years ago, when i first wrote a pome for someone because i was asked to.. and it was supposed to be personal.. all i was told was to write something for him.. something nice.. anything..
and i did.. and it was three pages worth a marathon effort, wherein i even managed to rhyme the words and end the sentences.. and it was at 3 A.M.. and it still is personal..

and today, again, i happened to form some sentences for the very same person, even without being asked for it.. something intangibles triggered something inside me.. and the words just flowed.. and the sentences just formed.. it was surreal.. all i could do then was to grab hold of a pencil and scribble it down on any surface that will hold.. i was afraid to lose the string of sentences..

and now, i know its a wait for three months till i make that known.. three months from now, will be the perfect day.. three months from now, IS going to be the best day for it..!

****

THREE years back..

THREE in the morning..

THREE pages..

THREE years later..

THREE months till..

magic of THREE.. and whoever said THREE is a magical number, i bow to thee.. at least, you got that holding right for me..

scooter on my wall

"scooter ta o dewale lagano hoye gache?"
"haan.. tokhon-i toh lagalam.."
"kano?"
"maane?"
"ota oto bhalo hoyeni toh"
"amar ghar, amar dewal, ami ja icche lagabo.."
"tui toh er theke-o bhalo aakish.."
"haan, eta bhalo kore aakini.. maajh raastae aar eta icche korchhilo na.. tai heejeebeejee kore diechi.."
"ekta bhalo aaka-r pashe eta...."
"i dont care.. everything shouldn't be perfect.."

side effects

https://www.facebook.com/akloomba/posts/346406625470502?comment_id=1747583&notif_t=share_reply

and this is what triggered the already worked-up 'thought' stuffed mind of yours truly..

"never trust someone who lies to you....!!
and never lie to someone who puts all their trust into you.....!!"

and needless to say, i have trouble with the first part of it.. and im having some real serious trouble with it.. rather, understanding the very "working" of this.. so much so, that i am having all the trouble and difficulty of the world to even pass it down as another mere piece of rubbish preaching..
never trust someone who lies to you.
ok.. so how exactly do you go about in doing that? i mean, taking the general perception in consideration here, you obviously stop putting your trust in that someone who has lied to you.. or, let me put it in this way, you have found to have lied to you.. because, after that great a revelation, you obviously stop talking(with that someone, that is)! so in that case, the very point of trusting the very same someone doesnt even feature!
so its kinda useless in the preaching itself..

because, by the time you realise, you've already been duped.. taking for a jolly good ride..

never lie to someone who puts all their trust into you.
yes.
never.
period.


p.s. boy oh boy! i sure just cant stop blabbering off late, now.. can i?
#disgusted! #disgruntled!

roadside-offside

him : "if i can make it (read: current job) for the next couple of years, i think, we can buy a Mercedes.. rather, we should buy one.. E-class Merc.. classy.."
me : "uh-huh.. sure about the merc?"
him : "oh yes.. definite!"
me : "awesome.. but not the E-class.. get the convertible.. the Sports version.. that one looks damn nice.."
him : "ummm, sports version.. naaahh.. nothing beats the E-class.."
me : "ok.. and speaking of which have you seen the hatchback version? it looks alright too.."
him : "really? a hatchback? no, i dun know about that.. but, E-class its gonna be.."
me : "lets do one thing.. lets get the Beetle.. :) a cute little 4-seater Beatle.."
him : "thats too small.."
me : "we also are :)"

per se

she was never the integral part of it..
forget integral, i never made her even a part worth of 'trust', per se..
the only part that she had been and ever was, was during the last stretch.. when it involved me sharing the house with her.. which naturally made be obligated to tell her about my whereabouts.. and by whereabouts, she was just aware of the company i was going to be with, and not the destination, per se..

and that's how i think she knew..

i have to give this to her.. never once did she ask me anything about it.. no privy no prying.. she was happy with just the information doled out to her by me in the form of---"Mamma ami berochhi.. ****** se milne..gaadi leke going.. will be back in an hour or so.."

but today, i get the feel, that she knows it all.. inspite of me consciously not making her a part of it.. she. knows. it. all..
today, this day, holds a certain amount of significance for me.. it gave me the ticket to my soul city.. all i have to do now is to get it in my hands.. and so in the morning, when the news first came, she just asked, in her signature off-handed manner, "so, have you called your ** yet?"
she was so non chalant in her question, that in spite of catching me off guard there, i chose to ignore it.. and pulled something else to talk about.. i dont know whether she was playing around with me then, but even she didnt press.. so, i was relieved..
but again in the evening, she was back with the same..and this time, minus the nonchalance..

she tells me that she had been staying up lately during the nights.. that she has been having trouble sleeping.. and i dont know, if she had caught my sobs, sneaking through the creaks of the door.. and i dread for the same.. because, for a strange coincidence, all her having-trouble-sleeping-in-the-night period is highly and perfectly in sync with those nights, wherein i sob myself to sleep.. or rather, i sob and weep myself on my pillow..
she knows something is wrong.. she knows, and i can tell.. and yet, she's playing along me.. by my side..


after all, my Dennis poster says, so very truthfully :
"You can fool All of the People, Some of the Time, and Some of the People, All of the Time..But you can't fool MOM."

(un)just

and she deleted 'em all.. the messages, the mails, the pics, the posts..
she vanquished 'em all.. the memories, the touch, the feel, the spirit..
from the * years to those few hours..
and that's all that it took..

after all, it was just another day.

*****

poochoge nahi toh..?

the recent ad of tata sky says so.. or rather, epitomises thusly--
"poochoge nahi toh life life jhingalala kaise hoga?"

yes, you need to ask..
sometimes, even subtle will do..
and it was just that tonight..
it was the latter.. but the former was satisfied..

and yeah, things are cleared, fosho, at least.. dunno about the 'jhingalala' part, per se.. i guess, i can live without that, at the moment..

if our last hours worth of conversation left me cloudy, tonight's cleared everything up..

maybe, you'll realise.. maybe you wont..
maybe you'll realise, but you'll get the 'players' wrong..
but until you ask, you wont be getting clarification..

so, this time, either you ask or you dont..

it just doesnt matter, anymore.

and all of a sudden, i know the exact definition to pin it with..period.

write-ups

many told me previously..
in high school, my friend told me to write.. formally write.. i never did..
in grad college, my girlfriend literally used to pester me to write.. to blog.. to put it down for the world to see.. to read..
my bestest pal, Damdam, urged me to write.. for people to read..
my girlfriend and my bestest pal Damdam, were only privy to the randomness which i used to put down with a pen at times..
i never listened to either..
post graduation, and again, my closest friend, pleaded with me to write.. i never did..

but, i wrote for 'personal' keepings.. personalised writings.. speaking of which, i wrote almost 3-pages worth 'pome' for M, simply because he told me to.. and that too at 3 in the morning.. and that too, during my semesters..

but even then, i never really "wrote"..

i started to "write", because PseudoAlsi told me to.. and i began.. to write for people.. something which so many people couldnt make me do, one person was able too..

and today, PseudoAlsi is no more the reason i write.. and PseudoAlsi is no more worthy to be the reason i stop.. though, i did think of quitting.. but for that one person, who brought me back..

all he asked,"so, whats it going to be after Roobish?"

thanks Haddock, for pulling me back!
owe you much!

just a hint of 'pink'

her: "so, whats wrong with a lil bit of fair?"
me: "naah.. i dun like fair.."
her: "ok, so tell him to put a bit of black on his face.."
me: (blushing) haha.. yeah, he also said the same thing.."
:D

ahh those lil things of infinitismical joys!

• infinitismical : naaah.. thats no word.. thats something i just invented! yep! and it gives me infinitismical happiness to do that..
• you visit a web portal and you are asked to 'log in'.. something which you have forgotten, coz you have never bothered to 'log out' off that site in the first place.. and its then, when you are faced with a myriad of options of 'username' and 'password' inside your already over worked mind.. and, ahhh!!! the joys of it, when you hit the jackpot in the very first go!
• and in my case, finding stuffs of 'clothes' that fit me! yep! thats a real mood lifter.. and not only clothes, it extends to even shoes and other frilly accessories too! bangles, belts, and all those other awesome stuffs that are often forced to dish out as "blehs!".. and today, it happened to be an indigo coloured belt! 
• going over a certain forward chain of msg.. age old to the extent of being a rut now.. but still, it always manages to bring a smile on my face.. today, being one such day.. again..
• and, what tops the list, is that when you know that you are not the only one who struggles with "trip" plans.. aaaah yeah! sadistic pleasure it is.. but yeah, it certainly gives way to a new planning for 'trip'-ing! ;)

aaaahhhh!!! those lil things of infinitismical joys!

what did i learn today?

so, what did i learn today?

• being 'sad' makes you do real stupid stuffs.. and its when even the advises seem to be pouring in galore and they seem to matter the least, in fact bordering on being negligent.. coz, you dont even listen to it.. and they all seem like that of an insect drone near your ears.. true story..
• you lose the sensitivity of your immediate surroundings..
• you end up getting (physically) hurt.. unintentional though..
• and its only when all the above mentioned things have happened to you, and a considerable time has passed and you're sitting or rather made to sit put in a corner, that you realise, what a real ass of a person you've been..
• and yet, neither of these stop you from being sad..
• and i realise, that im doing a real lousy job of what i'd promised M of..

so, bottomline, i'm stupid when im sad, and i end up doing (completely avoidable) stupid stuffs..

#bleh!

i realised, i'm in love with the presence of your words and the feel of your existence..

but i'm not in love with you.

just tired

im tired of crying
im tired of yelling
im tired of being sad
im tired of pretending
im tired of being alone
im tired of being angry
im tired of feeling crazy
im tired of feeling stuck
im tired of needing help
im tired of remembering
im tired of missing things
im tired of being different
im tired of missing people
im tired of feeling worthless
im tired of feeling empty inside
im tired of not being able to let go
im tired of wishing i could start over
im tired of dreaming a life i will never have
but most of all
im just tired of being tired.

deja vu :) --->the other way round

and 'freaky' Friday, rolling over to the Saturday..
coz it was just a day back, when i was thinking about Jack(Ass).. random..

and voila!
"hey.. wassup Jill :)"

pretty sure, Freud would have had a field day, if only he'd have been alive!

oh! (simply) horrid moi!

and so yesterday, after 10 days i could muster up enough courage to pick up my phone and call M..

first attempt in the morning, i could proceed only as far as looking up his 'contact' on my phone screen..
second attempt, i let go of the phone as soon as i picked it up again to dial..
third attempt, i was making up my mind to actually being able to go through the entire exercise of calling M..

my attempt(s) never were realised.. 'coz, later at night, M called up!
startled nicely with the 'paradise' vibrating on the box..

and there it was.. with M all so cheerful on the other side.. and moi, equally the opposite of it, if not more.. i was glad and angry and relieved and happy and anxious and a horrid concoction of all the mismatched emotions possible.. i almost took out all my vent-up worries, concerns, frustrations, tears on M.. if he was the perfect picture of the soothing and comforting voice with a distinct and a definite cheerful ring in the voice, i was the epitome of nasty!

and all this, when i could finally manage to 'talk' with M..

really horrid K!
yes, that's exactly what i was being...

a bad and horrid and cruel and weird and nutty K..(sic)

..

the 'eyes' run in the family..
big..
dreamy..
droopy..
beautiful..

and the charm is innate..
they are born with it..
and it shows in the eyes..

eyes as reflectors..
holds true..

'eye' love the eyes..
in its charm..
already..
done case..

p.s. 'm' lov(e)-ing it.
xoxo

sedatives

i'm glad that at least you are sleeping.. at least you are forced to sleep.. numbed.. well, i know, the otherwise state is extremely painful (sic).. yet, i'm glad and relieved, nevertheless, that you can at least drift away to the faraway place..

'coz, after all this, the only thing(s) that keep(s) me horizontally pinned down to my bed during the long nights being 'Boxer', your Brown Stripes (yes, i sleep with that in my hands) and 'Paradise' on loop, over-n-over..

if i have to point out one good thing about this, it will be that, earlier i was not knowing the reason of this 'unrest' and 'restlessness'.. now i know the reason behind it.. and no, i don't like the reason at all.. but i'm not been given an option here..

'Brown Stripes' just affirms the consolation that i have you..

*love*

-k.
forever.

silent letter(s) to You

buzzed you today.. and that is a real big step forward for an acclaimed narcissist like me.. buzzed you today, coz of your telling me off about it the other day.. about me not buzzing unless you do.. i did.. mustered up enough to put my pride aside and type those two alphabets..

i thought i have so many stuffs to tell you.. so many absolutely mundane stuffs with which you have to be no way related.. but i just wanted to tell you.. and so i buzzed you.. thought that i will be gradually able to take it forward from those two initial letters.. but not much luck there.. i chocked.. i felt being constricted.. couldn't even look at my phone for sometime after that.. so much so that i wanted to feel you, that very desire of longing for you shove me away from you.. and i couldn't say anything.. and you telling me that you're studying acted just as the favourite catalyst to boost up my retreat.. all the more..

i haven't been really alright for the past lot of days.. since the last time that you saw me, to be very precise.. a lot of unwarranted stuffs happened.. and still happening.. and you know, sometimes it gets real hard to be the rock solid strong demenoured one throughout.. and maybe, i might just be breaking down momentarily.. i know i will be alright, absolutely no second thoughts about that.. but, i just felt, if i could speak to you, it will all be alright for me.. but i couldn't.. and it still ain't alright for me..

i miss you.. 

xoxo



#PseudoAlsi

a not-so-ordinary Sunday 27.1.13

it had all the potential of being a typically lazy wintry warm Sunday . with the girl-friend staying over the last night and waking me up in the morning when she had to leave.. with me crawling back in warp speed to be under the warm and cozy blankets in my dark and cosy room for a second installment of sleep.. it had the making of an ideal holiday-mode Sunday..

but for the 'imperfections'.. coz. this sunday involved me donning the chef's hat--cooking for my parent's homecoming! cleaning the flat.. keeping everything in order.. trying to match Mamma's standard of being 'clean' in the kitchen, though i have a nagging feel that it may just not be enough still! *never too good for Mamma when it comes to being clean in the kitchen* loading the fridge with food.. and the usual regular (which is not so regular for me) 'household' chores.. and yeah, i'm proud of myself.. i pulled it off pretty satisfactorily..

but for the 'imperfections'.. this day happens to hold a somewhat special significance.. and for some strange reasons, i want the association.. yet, too proud to ask.. narcissist, you see.. and once a narcissist, always one.. so, waiting doesnt suit me too.. so, just the me, saying out 'ok happy budday'..

but for the 'imperfections'.. i miss my soul sister.. i miss her.. miss being with her.. miss her damned face.. and yes, i always miss her.. nothing new in that.. but this missing her kinda took a turn for the worse after she came to see me last month.. *sob!* and its when even the technology of whatsapp, skype, gmail and fb too doesn't help..*sigh!*

but for the 'imperfections'.. and i miss Meano today.. very strange, because, no real reason whatsoever for me to miss Meano.. (or, is there? that i dunno about, or i'm in denial?) and well, narcissist part existing.. i buzzed him, 'coz the yearning for him was way too strong, and well, now its Meano's turn to buzz back.. so, it will be good if he does.. and if he doesn't, then, i'll make it alright with me in sometime.. which i know i will.. these are just temporary momentarily lapse of composure..

but for the 'imperfections'.. yeah.. too many of them.. and maybe, that's what makes it all so exciting..

narcissist part of course holds.. and that is beyond the realm of any imperfections, whatsoever!

i  just hope, it ain't too long before i'm back my usual self..
because, i want this 13 to rock for me! and i do get this feel at times (within) that it will.. but, i want it in tangibles.. at least for the starters.. and i know, rest everything (yes, EVERY-fuckin'-THING) will fall in its place..

so yeah, when all these are playing for a place in your mind, it can never be an ordinary holiday mode wintry Sunday..

a definitely not-so-ordinary Sunday..27.1.13.

when i don't know what to do

"p.a.":-
sunne me bhi acha lagta tha..
sahi lagta tha.



when in dire straits regarding whether to start a new segment with a new word after a comma, OR, to start a new sentence of a new paragraph altogether, after a full stop, beginning with a capital letter..
dilemma of a stupid girl..when a period of three years seems too long to be true and surreal..yet, the feeling of being together through every possible thing in those three years gives a great feel of contempt and security..when i dunno what it holds in it for me.. when i dunno what is after these 'three years'..
when the very existence is questioned..
and when it seems real absurd that these things are even striking a chord at this point in time of our lives..in my life, to be precise..

when #1 was excitedly waited upon
when #2 deserved an acknowledgement
strangely enough, i'm absolute indifferent to #3.. it has ceased to have any significance somehow.. just another day.. just another date.. that comes every 365 days.. is too much proximity the cause? am i supposed to be better off if i take off to some place else, for a long time.. is 'distance' being missed? i'm completely flummoxed.. 'coz 'dates' are of immense significance to me..and it feels that it has lost all its significance.. *poof!*

p.a.
yes, i miss that..
true.. it had a good and nice ring to it..
it always felt right..
item.
p.a.

miss you, M.

i had a plan.. a pre-planned and nicely thought of list of stuffs that i would be telling you..
i still have the list..
i still have the ordered list..
i never ended up giving it to you..
i could never bring it on to escape me..
i felt impaired..
and i never thought i would feel so..

i miss you today.. i miss you, because you ain't here.. because, i cant see you the way i used to..
all i have is your essence.. and your feel.. wrapped around me..
and i feel the safest in your 'stuff'..
the brown stripes comfort me now.. but even then, they cant replace you..

you have been the bestest that i ever had.. and you will always be that..
the 'partial' being irrespective..

miss you, M.

beginning

and a beginning in every sense..

with the last day of the year ending with the termination and completion of almost everything that i'd begun in that year..
exams ending on the 31st..
end of the shit-ass-busting-killing-crazy-busy schedule, on the 31st..
end of sleepless nights on 31st..
ending of the day/night with the last words from the Sweetheart..

a year, that had been a good one on the whole, retrospectively.. with me being able to reach the finishing line of all that was embarked upon without much of a hassle anywhere.. including the revival of the most precious association, and living to see it through..

yes, a good year indeed..

and carrying the good part over to the next year.. the first day today, of the another year, and i'm eagerly looking for an encore.. for a spill-over effect.. and futuristic-ally speaking, it looks promising from the place that i am now currently..
i have my Person..
i will have my soul..
i will have the leisure of books..
the soothing effect of the 'blunt' pencil..
reconciliation with M..
and i can afford my travel bug bites..

yes, a good start..

welcome, 01.01.2013!

*cheers!