side effects

https://www.facebook.com/akloomba/posts/346406625470502?comment_id=1747583&notif_t=share_reply

and this is what triggered the already worked-up 'thought' stuffed mind of yours truly..

"never trust someone who lies to you....!!
and never lie to someone who puts all their trust into you.....!!"

and needless to say, i have trouble with the first part of it.. and im having some real serious trouble with it.. rather, understanding the very "working" of this.. so much so, that i am having all the trouble and difficulty of the world to even pass it down as another mere piece of rubbish preaching..
never trust someone who lies to you.
ok.. so how exactly do you go about in doing that? i mean, taking the general perception in consideration here, you obviously stop putting your trust in that someone who has lied to you.. or, let me put it in this way, you have found to have lied to you.. because, after that great a revelation, you obviously stop talking(with that someone, that is)! so in that case, the very point of trusting the very same someone doesnt even feature!
so its kinda useless in the preaching itself..

because, by the time you realise, you've already been duped.. taking for a jolly good ride..

never lie to someone who puts all their trust into you.
yes.
never.
period.


p.s. boy oh boy! i sure just cant stop blabbering off late, now.. can i?
#disgusted! #disgruntled!

roadside-offside

him : "if i can make it (read: current job) for the next couple of years, i think, we can buy a Mercedes.. rather, we should buy one.. E-class Merc.. classy.."
me : "uh-huh.. sure about the merc?"
him : "oh yes.. definite!"
me : "awesome.. but not the E-class.. get the convertible.. the Sports version.. that one looks damn nice.."
him : "ummm, sports version.. naaahh.. nothing beats the E-class.."
me : "ok.. and speaking of which have you seen the hatchback version? it looks alright too.."
him : "really? a hatchback? no, i dun know about that.. but, E-class its gonna be.."
me : "lets do one thing.. lets get the Beetle.. :) a cute little 4-seater Beatle.."
him : "thats too small.."
me : "we also are :)"

per se

she was never the integral part of it..
forget integral, i never made her even a part worth of 'trust', per se..
the only part that she had been and ever was, was during the last stretch.. when it involved me sharing the house with her.. which naturally made be obligated to tell her about my whereabouts.. and by whereabouts, she was just aware of the company i was going to be with, and not the destination, per se..

and that's how i think she knew..

i have to give this to her.. never once did she ask me anything about it.. no privy no prying.. she was happy with just the information doled out to her by me in the form of---"Mamma ami berochhi.. ****** se milne..gaadi leke going.. will be back in an hour or so.."

but today, i get the feel, that she knows it all.. inspite of me consciously not making her a part of it.. she. knows. it. all..
today, this day, holds a certain amount of significance for me.. it gave me the ticket to my soul city.. all i have to do now is to get it in my hands.. and so in the morning, when the news first came, she just asked, in her signature off-handed manner, "so, have you called your ** yet?"
she was so non chalant in her question, that in spite of catching me off guard there, i chose to ignore it.. and pulled something else to talk about.. i dont know whether she was playing around with me then, but even she didnt press.. so, i was relieved..
but again in the evening, she was back with the same..and this time, minus the nonchalance..

she tells me that she had been staying up lately during the nights.. that she has been having trouble sleeping.. and i dont know, if she had caught my sobs, sneaking through the creaks of the door.. and i dread for the same.. because, for a strange coincidence, all her having-trouble-sleeping-in-the-night period is highly and perfectly in sync with those nights, wherein i sob myself to sleep.. or rather, i sob and weep myself on my pillow..
she knows something is wrong.. she knows, and i can tell.. and yet, she's playing along me.. by my side..


after all, my Dennis poster says, so very truthfully :
"You can fool All of the People, Some of the Time, and Some of the People, All of the Time..But you can't fool MOM."

(un)just

and she deleted 'em all.. the messages, the mails, the pics, the posts..
she vanquished 'em all.. the memories, the touch, the feel, the spirit..
from the * years to those few hours..
and that's all that it took..

after all, it was just another day.

*****

poochoge nahi toh..?

the recent ad of tata sky says so.. or rather, epitomises thusly--
"poochoge nahi toh life life jhingalala kaise hoga?"

yes, you need to ask..
sometimes, even subtle will do..
and it was just that tonight..
it was the latter.. but the former was satisfied..

and yeah, things are cleared, fosho, at least.. dunno about the 'jhingalala' part, per se.. i guess, i can live without that, at the moment..

if our last hours worth of conversation left me cloudy, tonight's cleared everything up..

maybe, you'll realise.. maybe you wont..
maybe you'll realise, but you'll get the 'players' wrong..
but until you ask, you wont be getting clarification..

so, this time, either you ask or you dont..

it just doesnt matter, anymore.

and all of a sudden, i know the exact definition to pin it with..period.

write-ups

many told me previously..
in high school, my friend told me to write.. formally write.. i never did..
in grad college, my girlfriend literally used to pester me to write.. to blog.. to put it down for the world to see.. to read..
my bestest pal, Damdam, urged me to write.. for people to read..
my girlfriend and my bestest pal Damdam, were only privy to the randomness which i used to put down with a pen at times..
i never listened to either..
post graduation, and again, my closest friend, pleaded with me to write.. i never did..

but, i wrote for 'personal' keepings.. personalised writings.. speaking of which, i wrote almost 3-pages worth 'pome' for M, simply because he told me to.. and that too at 3 in the morning.. and that too, during my semesters..

but even then, i never really "wrote"..

i started to "write", because PseudoAlsi told me to.. and i began.. to write for people.. something which so many people couldnt make me do, one person was able too..

and today, PseudoAlsi is no more the reason i write.. and PseudoAlsi is no more worthy to be the reason i stop.. though, i did think of quitting.. but for that one person, who brought me back..

all he asked,"so, whats it going to be after Roobish?"

thanks Haddock, for pulling me back!
owe you much!

just a hint of 'pink'

her: "so, whats wrong with a lil bit of fair?"
me: "naah.. i dun like fair.."
her: "ok, so tell him to put a bit of black on his face.."
me: (blushing) haha.. yeah, he also said the same thing.."
:D

ahh those lil things of infinitismical joys!

• infinitismical : naaah.. thats no word.. thats something i just invented! yep! and it gives me infinitismical happiness to do that..
• you visit a web portal and you are asked to 'log in'.. something which you have forgotten, coz you have never bothered to 'log out' off that site in the first place.. and its then, when you are faced with a myriad of options of 'username' and 'password' inside your already over worked mind.. and, ahhh!!! the joys of it, when you hit the jackpot in the very first go!
• and in my case, finding stuffs of 'clothes' that fit me! yep! thats a real mood lifter.. and not only clothes, it extends to even shoes and other frilly accessories too! bangles, belts, and all those other awesome stuffs that are often forced to dish out as "blehs!".. and today, it happened to be an indigo coloured belt! 
• going over a certain forward chain of msg.. age old to the extent of being a rut now.. but still, it always manages to bring a smile on my face.. today, being one such day.. again..
• and, what tops the list, is that when you know that you are not the only one who struggles with "trip" plans.. aaaah yeah! sadistic pleasure it is.. but yeah, it certainly gives way to a new planning for 'trip'-ing! ;)

aaaahhhh!!! those lil things of infinitismical joys!

what did i learn today?

so, what did i learn today?

• being 'sad' makes you do real stupid stuffs.. and its when even the advises seem to be pouring in galore and they seem to matter the least, in fact bordering on being negligent.. coz, you dont even listen to it.. and they all seem like that of an insect drone near your ears.. true story..
• you lose the sensitivity of your immediate surroundings..
• you end up getting (physically) hurt.. unintentional though..
• and its only when all the above mentioned things have happened to you, and a considerable time has passed and you're sitting or rather made to sit put in a corner, that you realise, what a real ass of a person you've been..
• and yet, neither of these stop you from being sad..
• and i realise, that im doing a real lousy job of what i'd promised M of..

so, bottomline, i'm stupid when im sad, and i end up doing (completely avoidable) stupid stuffs..

#bleh!

i realised, i'm in love with the presence of your words and the feel of your existence..

but i'm not in love with you.

just tired

im tired of crying
im tired of yelling
im tired of being sad
im tired of pretending
im tired of being alone
im tired of being angry
im tired of feeling crazy
im tired of feeling stuck
im tired of needing help
im tired of remembering
im tired of missing things
im tired of being different
im tired of missing people
im tired of feeling worthless
im tired of feeling empty inside
im tired of not being able to let go
im tired of wishing i could start over
im tired of dreaming a life i will never have
but most of all
im just tired of being tired.

deja vu :) --->the other way round

and 'freaky' Friday, rolling over to the Saturday..
coz it was just a day back, when i was thinking about Jack(Ass).. random..

and voila!
"hey.. wassup Jill :)"

pretty sure, Freud would have had a field day, if only he'd have been alive!

oh! (simply) horrid moi!

and so yesterday, after 10 days i could muster up enough courage to pick up my phone and call M..

first attempt in the morning, i could proceed only as far as looking up his 'contact' on my phone screen..
second attempt, i let go of the phone as soon as i picked it up again to dial..
third attempt, i was making up my mind to actually being able to go through the entire exercise of calling M..

my attempt(s) never were realised.. 'coz, later at night, M called up!
startled nicely with the 'paradise' vibrating on the box..

and there it was.. with M all so cheerful on the other side.. and moi, equally the opposite of it, if not more.. i was glad and angry and relieved and happy and anxious and a horrid concoction of all the mismatched emotions possible.. i almost took out all my vent-up worries, concerns, frustrations, tears on M.. if he was the perfect picture of the soothing and comforting voice with a distinct and a definite cheerful ring in the voice, i was the epitome of nasty!

and all this, when i could finally manage to 'talk' with M..

really horrid K!
yes, that's exactly what i was being...

a bad and horrid and cruel and weird and nutty K..(sic)

..

the 'eyes' run in the family..
big..
dreamy..
droopy..
beautiful..

and the charm is innate..
they are born with it..
and it shows in the eyes..

eyes as reflectors..
holds true..

'eye' love the eyes..
in its charm..
already..
done case..

p.s. 'm' lov(e)-ing it.
xoxo

sedatives

i'm glad that at least you are sleeping.. at least you are forced to sleep.. numbed.. well, i know, the otherwise state is extremely painful (sic).. yet, i'm glad and relieved, nevertheless, that you can at least drift away to the faraway place..

'coz, after all this, the only thing(s) that keep(s) me horizontally pinned down to my bed during the long nights being 'Boxer', your Brown Stripes (yes, i sleep with that in my hands) and 'Paradise' on loop, over-n-over..

if i have to point out one good thing about this, it will be that, earlier i was not knowing the reason of this 'unrest' and 'restlessness'.. now i know the reason behind it.. and no, i don't like the reason at all.. but i'm not been given an option here..

'Brown Stripes' just affirms the consolation that i have you..

*love*

-k.
forever.

silent letter(s) to You

buzzed you today.. and that is a real big step forward for an acclaimed narcissist like me.. buzzed you today, coz of your telling me off about it the other day.. about me not buzzing unless you do.. i did.. mustered up enough to put my pride aside and type those two alphabets..

i thought i have so many stuffs to tell you.. so many absolutely mundane stuffs with which you have to be no way related.. but i just wanted to tell you.. and so i buzzed you.. thought that i will be gradually able to take it forward from those two initial letters.. but not much luck there.. i chocked.. i felt being constricted.. couldn't even look at my phone for sometime after that.. so much so that i wanted to feel you, that very desire of longing for you shove me away from you.. and i couldn't say anything.. and you telling me that you're studying acted just as the favourite catalyst to boost up my retreat.. all the more..

i haven't been really alright for the past lot of days.. since the last time that you saw me, to be very precise.. a lot of unwarranted stuffs happened.. and still happening.. and you know, sometimes it gets real hard to be the rock solid strong demenoured one throughout.. and maybe, i might just be breaking down momentarily.. i know i will be alright, absolutely no second thoughts about that.. but, i just felt, if i could speak to you, it will all be alright for me.. but i couldn't.. and it still ain't alright for me..

i miss you.. 

xoxo



#PseudoAlsi