:-x x-( :(

trying
hard
not
to
be
j-
u-
d-
g-
e-
m-
e-
n-
t-
a-
l.

and
i
am
not
sure
i
am
doing
a
good
job
of
it



:(

have a reason to wait..

and that's what keeps me going..

contradictory, you say?

maybe not, 'coz it all fits..

as rightly put by someone---

opinion--dumb--favourite

or even chicken and egg over rice

its the connection in them

that really matters in the end..

or maybe, "In the end, it doesn't even matter"..

but it still doesn't change the fact with which i started.. yes.. i still have the reason to wait.. and that's what keeps me going.

and after a real long time in space and all that in-betweens,
i know a "happiness" that was once used to be.

to know that you hold importance, unconditionally.. to know, that you make the world, albeit unconditionally.. to know, that you are the Right, when everything else is going wrong, and all that without any strings, and reasons, and hopes attached.. yes.. its the Absolute state.. and after a real real real long time, it returns to me..

and real true words----all we need is a little bit patience..♥ 


{come back bacha.. you know where you belong.}

i returned to a spring-cleaned home.. a spring-cleaned room.. spic-and-span.. with a straight bed, and my welcoming bacha-buchis.. all with their arms open.. it was gleaming.. with a shine.. a joy.. a hope.. and a reassurance.. that its a sweet home-coming.. and the tears can be taken care of..
but it was "apparently".. 'coz, inside the cupboard was the mess.. a physical mess.. not the mess of clothes.. no.. they were all neatly arranged in proper stacks.. it was the mess caused by the ugliness of a certain remnant.. another classic case (this time of a material thing) of "being proposed and couldn't dispose.. but not anymore, 'coz, ugliness has no space with me.. and getting rid of it, the cupboard seems alive.. once again.. as if, something has tore its gag and its free to breathe..

p.s: just letting it be is by far probably the best thing that acts as the best armour in terms of defense.. 'coz, even if you wanna "block", you will be forced to devote some of your precious beautiful moments of your life to that ugliness personified entity.. and its not worth it.. not worth at all..
getting rid of it, is the far extreme of the spectrum.. 'coz, that's how magnitudinally ugly you made it to be.. and truly said, its not everyone's cup of tea to cherish and safeguard the 'beautiful'.. and that's something, which was never your forte..

wishlist-part 2

splurge(s) on Mich.. *:wink! :grin!* and in this, not even my (Mirror) bf stand a chance of even a bare minimum of mention..

• birthday treat of a good 'time-keeper'
• my evergoing and everlasting love for Chumbak
• sparkles and glitter hoops for the ears
• long long drives on the solitary roads in the cool dark mysticisms.. (in this, (Mirror) bf will be definitely thought of..fondly..)
• the omnipresent efforts of building up MY LIBRARY

Dear "Mirror",

i'm still dazed.. dazed not because i'm giddy.. no that's not the reason at all.. but dazed to a certain extent because of all that i'm told in the last few days.. all that i have been an audience to.. all involving a certain annoyingly extent of commonness between me as well.. and i'm dazed when i think of the other side's probable retaliation to the other subject's final and ultimate subjection to my "book" of "situations"..(this is quoting the certain person in question)..
the last couple of days talks, have been revolving mostly around "good", "bad", the "rights and the wrongs" of it, the percievings on those "goods and bads", and the ever-existing tryst with "like", "love", of being caught in the web of "being there and yet not really there" and "not being there but yet always being there, that lingering presence, which cant be undone"..and with all this heavyweight and surprisingly free-flowing talks and sharing of views, giving of opinions and accepting those by both, taking of suggestions in a desperate attempt to end the inner conflicts, what dazes me is not the reason why this is being done.. not even the surroundings and neither the palpable mood.. no.. what dazes me is just one plain thought, which i cant just shoo away form the inside of my whacked-up mind..
for sometime (approximately 2 weeks now since its inception, officially), now that i have been thinking of all that is and all that it is tending to be, "partial" is probably the call of the hour.. and i have no further questions but a confession from my side.. i know what you mean when you tell me that if you "move on" it may not be the complete you at the end of it.. yes.. i know that.. you can never be the 100 percent that you were before you "moved on".. 'coz the same thing is with me.. even as the moment that i'm putting it down, i know, for you (and to you), i cant give the complete me.. and its not just that "fairy tale" which has a part of me(which you know about and maybe even approve of).. that's always there.. no doubt in that.. but a major part of me (read: my heart, mind, soul) lives with a certain p(ersonal).a(ssisstant) of mine.. remember, i told you that i understand when you say you're habituated with a certain person? well, i understand because, i am, myself.. habituated with such an existence now, that i cant think of any other mode of even existing, let alone living.. its just as breathing for me.. and just as you say, you'll wait even if you "move on", exactly the same holds for me.. for some wierd reason, sans any concrete assurance and surity (but enough to make it evident), i have also been waiting.. and maybe, knowingly-unknowingly and probably even consciously, i, myself, will also keep on waiting for that "habit" of mine to be realised.. maybe i'll leave it all, just to live my "habit"..

and now, my question back to you, is again the same as yours:
"Can you live with something like this? i'm not reliable.. no seriousness.."

if you have an answer to this, then maybe, you'll know what my answer is..

*love*

p.s.: as a personal experience, "rebound" is never a good end.period.

"i like you..seriously..i mean,i genuinely like you..i really like you..a lot.."

Like: vb to be suitable or agreeable to; to feel attraction toward, or take pleasure in: ENJOY; to feel toward: REGARD; to wish to have: WANT; to do well in this; approve; to feel inclined: CHOOSE, PREFER

Like: n something that one likes

Like: adj the same or nearly the same; closely resembling the subject or original

Like: prep having the characteristics of; typical of; comparable to; in the manner of; such as

Like: n one that is similar

and yet again, i was subject to another mirror encounter, wherein there was a dangerous flirting with the subtle differentiation between, "love" and "like".. with the vehemently profuse declaration of the latter with an authority that scares me and yet makes me stand up in admiration, the confusion over the former still couldn't be resolved..is it because of being too frightened to face the reflection? or being scared to lose the reflection once admitted?

one thing is evident..whatever it is, it is screeching itself loud and hoarse..either it is being given a royal snub of ignore or it is being carefully muffled..

so, till the time someone decides to hear it, and hear it for good, its a wait.. a wait, which has no long and short..

:-D

and it's MY way AND the Highway!

:-D

missing a certain time in long back gone days, where there used to be a certain Buzz,  and when there used to be a certain "follow" on those..

yes.true.period.

ok.. honestly.. its a same_to_same.. *mirror dislike*

cant handle reconciliations.. and horribly suck at confrontations..

:(

Jack is back!

so so so..... my phone rings..("...road to nowhere..")
i finally pick up.. and i hear a lot of disturbance, air and hustling followed by "hello"..
i "hello" back..
"hello" again..
i "ya" back..
"aritree?"..
i "yes" back, fully surprised.. my mind already on an overdrive..*it was an unknown number..no, i don't recognise this voice.. this ain't a voice i have heard in the recent past..ok..who is it who knows me so confidently?who*..
and i'm brought back to the conversation by "pehchana?"
i again give a "no" back..
"Jack.."

BANG! and that was it.. and what followed was an immediate "Jackass?!".. and the rest. well, it was mostly incoherent for the major part..punctuated with abuses thrown randomly at will.. but the smile never faded from my face and the laughter never escaped from his voice..

a long long hiatus.. a long long time when a certain J*** was lost among the crowd.. but the feeling when it all comes back? the feeling when a certain J*** is back with a certain J***?

Priceless.

p.s. it wont be much of a surprise, if i end up going to sleep tonight, listening to "Jack is Back" on a loop.. 

facts..

the fact that both of us have each other, works as the most wonderful drug of reassurance to me..
the fact that both of us have each of us in that same space, lets me be without any inhibition..
the fact that both of us know about the said fact, is probably the bestest ever thing that can take place between the two of us..ever..

and the best part being, experiencing the fact, that the time stays still between the both of us, at the same time, inspite of sitting in different parts of the country..

and so the fact still remains..neither of us can do without each other..
the fact remains--"i love you"--from either ends.

this should answer you, p.a. :)

"A sensitive soul, highly intuitive, the Cancer female needs a partner who would be able to respect her myriad emotions and wavering moods. Tough out, soft in, a Crab girl may be extremely shy in the first few meetings, leading one to believe that she has airs. However, this is just the time that she needs to understand the tuning she may share with the other person. She needs to be sure of the reliability of her partner, before she open up. Crabby girl craves stability, and is often attracted to confident, secure individuals; her ideal partner needs to be both tough and tender. The heart rules a Cancer female, and she believes in taking small steps in a relationship, mostly to ensure that she lets only the right people in. Once in love, she may become clingy, though. She takes the longest time to feel secure in love, so once she is involved, she is totally committed. Her family and friends are crucial to her existence, so she expects her partner to get along with them. All these are signs that she takes this relationship seriously, so the smooth-talking players should stay away."

love being me..and a rat's ass to all the bullshit around!

yes, off late, i have been flying.. i have been overwhelmed.. i have been reluctantly ecstatic.. yet i couldn't stop gushing everytime it rang.. it drove me nuts, everytime the airtel money ad came on tv.. the only reason being the "ringtone" of the ad, per se.. it was exactly the tone of my gtalk notifications on my phone..

and the reason of me being nuts at that? its simple.. i wait for the gtalk pings.. and everytime with that ring, my heart goes aflutter..

yes, off late, my recent obssession on gtalk has primarily being labelling the chat history under "same_to_same".. each and every one of them.. everyday..

yes, and being as recent as a lil more than 24 hrs (now that i write this), i have allowed myself to fall in love all over again with the night ride, with the sharp chill in the air brushing my face, with the hands entwined.. snugly.. comfortably..

yes, off late, i have let myself loose.. set myself free.. given a rat's ass to all the damned concern of otherwise.. just to be me..

and so it comes.. "love you" at quarter to midnight.. followed by an emphatic "yesh"..


p.s. : had forgotten, what it was, to be just me.. maybe, at times, sometimes, you do need a "Mirror" for yourself..

whoa!

some "day" sure this is turning out to be.. the Third of March, of the year 2012.. and it was never even my Lucky Day of the year..

a serious night of reconciliations.. (and you also have your wish in it p.a) a bit too overwhelmed for my comfortable liking..

im at a serious loss of everything.. words, emotions, feelings, senses, realisations, et al.... everything.. have no clue abt the keyboards as well.. just furiously striking on them..

he did put it very rightly.. we dun know any retracing.. and that said, even ending doesnt come easy to us.. but once its reached, it surely is the termination.. everything involved in it dies.. and thats inclusive of all the years invested in forming what was there, all the feelings vested, all the smiles shared and all the tears cries.. you just dun feel anything after that..

but i ask him now, "if you were in my place, would you also do what im doing? or would you have begged to "differ"? for this once?" but as its "me" in this place right now, i guess, its only "me" who has to take the call.. "maybe, someday (oneday), if you know abt it (if you may), you'll also agree.."and thats the only reassurance that i carry with me, as i take a baby step forward towards retracing..

and yes, its back to that again..

rewind to an exact couple of years.. the only difference this time round-----the calender reads 2012.