per se

she was never the integral part of it..
forget integral, i never made her even a part worth of 'trust', per se..
the only part that she had been and ever was, was during the last stretch.. when it involved me sharing the house with her.. which naturally made be obligated to tell her about my whereabouts.. and by whereabouts, she was just aware of the company i was going to be with, and not the destination, per se..

and that's how i think she knew..

i have to give this to her.. never once did she ask me anything about it.. no privy no prying.. she was happy with just the information doled out to her by me in the form of---"Mamma ami berochhi.. ****** se milne..gaadi leke going.. will be back in an hour or so.."

but today, i get the feel, that she knows it all.. inspite of me consciously not making her a part of it.. she. knows. it. all..
today, this day, holds a certain amount of significance for me.. it gave me the ticket to my soul city.. all i have to do now is to get it in my hands.. and so in the morning, when the news first came, she just asked, in her signature off-handed manner, "so, have you called your ** yet?"
she was so non chalant in her question, that in spite of catching me off guard there, i chose to ignore it.. and pulled something else to talk about.. i dont know whether she was playing around with me then, but even she didnt press.. so, i was relieved..
but again in the evening, she was back with the same..and this time, minus the nonchalance..

she tells me that she had been staying up lately during the nights.. that she has been having trouble sleeping.. and i dont know, if she had caught my sobs, sneaking through the creaks of the door.. and i dread for the same.. because, for a strange coincidence, all her having-trouble-sleeping-in-the-night period is highly and perfectly in sync with those nights, wherein i sob myself to sleep.. or rather, i sob and weep myself on my pillow..
she knows something is wrong.. she knows, and i can tell.. and yet, she's playing along me.. by my side..


after all, my Dennis poster says, so very truthfully :
"You can fool All of the People, Some of the Time, and Some of the People, All of the Time..But you can't fool MOM."

(un)just

and she deleted 'em all.. the messages, the mails, the pics, the posts..
she vanquished 'em all.. the memories, the touch, the feel, the spirit..
from the * years to those few hours..
and that's all that it took..

after all, it was just another day.

*****

poochoge nahi toh..?

the recent ad of tata sky says so.. or rather, epitomises thusly--
"poochoge nahi toh life life jhingalala kaise hoga?"

yes, you need to ask..
sometimes, even subtle will do..
and it was just that tonight..
it was the latter.. but the former was satisfied..

and yeah, things are cleared, fosho, at least.. dunno about the 'jhingalala' part, per se.. i guess, i can live without that, at the moment..

if our last hours worth of conversation left me cloudy, tonight's cleared everything up..

maybe, you'll realise.. maybe you wont..
maybe you'll realise, but you'll get the 'players' wrong..
but until you ask, you wont be getting clarification..

so, this time, either you ask or you dont..

it just doesnt matter, anymore.

and all of a sudden, i know the exact definition to pin it with..period.

write-ups

many told me previously..
in high school, my friend told me to write.. formally write.. i never did..
in grad college, my girlfriend literally used to pester me to write.. to blog.. to put it down for the world to see.. to read..
my bestest pal, Damdam, urged me to write.. for people to read..
my girlfriend and my bestest pal Damdam, were only privy to the randomness which i used to put down with a pen at times..
i never listened to either..
post graduation, and again, my closest friend, pleaded with me to write.. i never did..

but, i wrote for 'personal' keepings.. personalised writings.. speaking of which, i wrote almost 3-pages worth 'pome' for M, simply because he told me to.. and that too at 3 in the morning.. and that too, during my semesters..

but even then, i never really "wrote"..

i started to "write", because PseudoAlsi told me to.. and i began.. to write for people.. something which so many people couldnt make me do, one person was able too..

and today, PseudoAlsi is no more the reason i write.. and PseudoAlsi is no more worthy to be the reason i stop.. though, i did think of quitting.. but for that one person, who brought me back..

all he asked,"so, whats it going to be after Roobish?"

thanks Haddock, for pulling me back!
owe you much!

just a hint of 'pink'

her: "so, whats wrong with a lil bit of fair?"
me: "naah.. i dun like fair.."
her: "ok, so tell him to put a bit of black on his face.."
me: (blushing) haha.. yeah, he also said the same thing.."
:D

ahh those lil things of infinitismical joys!

• infinitismical : naaah.. thats no word.. thats something i just invented! yep! and it gives me infinitismical happiness to do that..
• you visit a web portal and you are asked to 'log in'.. something which you have forgotten, coz you have never bothered to 'log out' off that site in the first place.. and its then, when you are faced with a myriad of options of 'username' and 'password' inside your already over worked mind.. and, ahhh!!! the joys of it, when you hit the jackpot in the very first go!
• and in my case, finding stuffs of 'clothes' that fit me! yep! thats a real mood lifter.. and not only clothes, it extends to even shoes and other frilly accessories too! bangles, belts, and all those other awesome stuffs that are often forced to dish out as "blehs!".. and today, it happened to be an indigo coloured belt! 
• going over a certain forward chain of msg.. age old to the extent of being a rut now.. but still, it always manages to bring a smile on my face.. today, being one such day.. again..
• and, what tops the list, is that when you know that you are not the only one who struggles with "trip" plans.. aaaah yeah! sadistic pleasure it is.. but yeah, it certainly gives way to a new planning for 'trip'-ing! ;)

aaaahhhh!!! those lil things of infinitismical joys!

what did i learn today?

so, what did i learn today?

• being 'sad' makes you do real stupid stuffs.. and its when even the advises seem to be pouring in galore and they seem to matter the least, in fact bordering on being negligent.. coz, you dont even listen to it.. and they all seem like that of an insect drone near your ears.. true story..
• you lose the sensitivity of your immediate surroundings..
• you end up getting (physically) hurt.. unintentional though..
• and its only when all the above mentioned things have happened to you, and a considerable time has passed and you're sitting or rather made to sit put in a corner, that you realise, what a real ass of a person you've been..
• and yet, neither of these stop you from being sad..
• and i realise, that im doing a real lousy job of what i'd promised M of..

so, bottomline, i'm stupid when im sad, and i end up doing (completely avoidable) stupid stuffs..

#bleh!