i realised, i'm in love with the presence of your words and the feel of your existence..

but i'm not in love with you.

just tired

im tired of crying
im tired of yelling
im tired of being sad
im tired of pretending
im tired of being alone
im tired of being angry
im tired of feeling crazy
im tired of feeling stuck
im tired of needing help
im tired of remembering
im tired of missing things
im tired of being different
im tired of missing people
im tired of feeling worthless
im tired of feeling empty inside
im tired of not being able to let go
im tired of wishing i could start over
im tired of dreaming a life i will never have
but most of all
im just tired of being tired.

deja vu :) --->the other way round

and 'freaky' Friday, rolling over to the Saturday..
coz it was just a day back, when i was thinking about Jack(Ass).. random..

and voila!
"hey.. wassup Jill :)"

pretty sure, Freud would have had a field day, if only he'd have been alive!

oh! (simply) horrid moi!

and so yesterday, after 10 days i could muster up enough courage to pick up my phone and call M..

first attempt in the morning, i could proceed only as far as looking up his 'contact' on my phone screen..
second attempt, i let go of the phone as soon as i picked it up again to dial..
third attempt, i was making up my mind to actually being able to go through the entire exercise of calling M..

my attempt(s) never were realised.. 'coz, later at night, M called up!
startled nicely with the 'paradise' vibrating on the box..

and there it was.. with M all so cheerful on the other side.. and moi, equally the opposite of it, if not more.. i was glad and angry and relieved and happy and anxious and a horrid concoction of all the mismatched emotions possible.. i almost took out all my vent-up worries, concerns, frustrations, tears on M.. if he was the perfect picture of the soothing and comforting voice with a distinct and a definite cheerful ring in the voice, i was the epitome of nasty!

and all this, when i could finally manage to 'talk' with M..

really horrid K!
yes, that's exactly what i was being...

a bad and horrid and cruel and weird and nutty K..(sic)

..

the 'eyes' run in the family..
big..
dreamy..
droopy..
beautiful..

and the charm is innate..
they are born with it..
and it shows in the eyes..

eyes as reflectors..
holds true..

'eye' love the eyes..
in its charm..
already..
done case..

p.s. 'm' lov(e)-ing it.
xoxo

sedatives

i'm glad that at least you are sleeping.. at least you are forced to sleep.. numbed.. well, i know, the otherwise state is extremely painful (sic).. yet, i'm glad and relieved, nevertheless, that you can at least drift away to the faraway place..

'coz, after all this, the only thing(s) that keep(s) me horizontally pinned down to my bed during the long nights being 'Boxer', your Brown Stripes (yes, i sleep with that in my hands) and 'Paradise' on loop, over-n-over..

if i have to point out one good thing about this, it will be that, earlier i was not knowing the reason of this 'unrest' and 'restlessness'.. now i know the reason behind it.. and no, i don't like the reason at all.. but i'm not been given an option here..

'Brown Stripes' just affirms the consolation that i have you..

*love*

-k.
forever.

silent letter(s) to You

buzzed you today.. and that is a real big step forward for an acclaimed narcissist like me.. buzzed you today, coz of your telling me off about it the other day.. about me not buzzing unless you do.. i did.. mustered up enough to put my pride aside and type those two alphabets..

i thought i have so many stuffs to tell you.. so many absolutely mundane stuffs with which you have to be no way related.. but i just wanted to tell you.. and so i buzzed you.. thought that i will be gradually able to take it forward from those two initial letters.. but not much luck there.. i chocked.. i felt being constricted.. couldn't even look at my phone for sometime after that.. so much so that i wanted to feel you, that very desire of longing for you shove me away from you.. and i couldn't say anything.. and you telling me that you're studying acted just as the favourite catalyst to boost up my retreat.. all the more..

i haven't been really alright for the past lot of days.. since the last time that you saw me, to be very precise.. a lot of unwarranted stuffs happened.. and still happening.. and you know, sometimes it gets real hard to be the rock solid strong demenoured one throughout.. and maybe, i might just be breaking down momentarily.. i know i will be alright, absolutely no second thoughts about that.. but, i just felt, if i could speak to you, it will all be alright for me.. but i couldn't.. and it still ain't alright for me..

i miss you.. 

xoxo



#PseudoAlsi