10th May 2016 - Meltdown

all i really want right now is the "date" to align with me.

is it really too much to ask for? i hope not. i just want the date to work out. i'm not doing anything illegal.. im not doing anything which is unpardonable.. i'm just appearing for a damn test in a place which is now definitely turning out to be the least favourite and the least favourable one for sure. but that's me deviating from the point.

last year. december 2015. it all gave me an illusion that things were working out alright. and i thought maybe i'm doing something alright. my training was completed without any hitches. the 15 days Institute training also fit in the time. my trip was well set. it all looked like a perfect setting for me to take a few days off and wander. and i was actually embarking on that. and just about then, there was the news of an event happening. organised by the institute. taking place on the day when i was scheduled to leave. and i was cursing my luck. i was ruing about the bad miss. somehow consoled myself that something else down the line will be there for me. and i'll also be there then.

january 2016. to a certain extent it seemed like that. i got all the necessary  approvals in a favourable time frame. everything was turning out the way it should. so, optimism was really riding up high. by february everything was in alignment. things finally seemed to be heading someway. yes. there were certain unfavorable bits as well. but somehow they always came with that halo of hope.

so, things started turning up. somethings were turned down. but not moped about. and somethings were met with. sometimes not with desired outcomes. i was sad. but never broken. then suddenly something big came up. too good to be really happening. so of course, the joy knew no bounds. but deep down i was wise enough not to read too much into it. but  a girl can always hope, right? so, little by little, i geared up for the many steps that were to follow. all lined up. really. everything lined up. to the extent of a confirmation.

and that is when it stopped. abruptly. just like that. and the sad part, for no real fault of mine. except if appearing for the test at those allocated centre is something which i should not be doing when i'm doing it.

and that, precisely THAT, is what broke me completely. to the extent that nothing seemed 'bright' anymore. no creaks, no windows. there was nothing. and i started questioning the fairness of it all.

i'm still not done with the questioning bit. i have completely shut myself from virtually everything. the heart does long for the loved one but i'm careful enough not to give out any more than i'd already have.

all of a sudden it is this realisation that things have just stopped. nothing is moving.

and now there's again this little ray. i'm scared to hope.

because, it's again the dates that are coming into the play.
will it fit? or will it again be that close and bad miss?

aligning the dates - - is it really too much to be asking for?

17th of June? is it really going to be that cursed?

8th May 2016 - Meltdown

such a simple happenstance.
give a kid a lollipop. see his eyes lit up in glee. see his lips break into a smile. see his hands carefully unwrapping the wrapping.. careful enough not to pry the paper with the sugar sticking on it. and the pure ecstasy. and then at that moment, without the kid's slightest anticipation, you take the lollipop from him. plain swift flow of motion. slow enough to let the kid see it all. fast enough to not give the kid any chance of counter reaction.

and it's then it all happens. the sense of loss. that kills the kid. and the kid cries. innocent sobs. heartfelt sobs. all the kid gets are "its okay" "don't worry" "there'll be more".

there's a song which has the lines "the hardest part of ending is starting all again". and so damn true it is. as for me, all these times, it felt like a long journey through a tunnel. a lit tunnel. i could see the ending of the tunnel. last few weeks, somehow it picked up the speed. and that's where i made the biggest mistake of not discounting the factor of "what if".. so blinded was i of the speeding surroundings, so taken away was i of the illusion of movement. and it almost all worked out to the end. almost. and that's where the not discounted factor of "what if" came on the picture.

that lollipop was too good to be simply handed over to me.

and i was the kid in that simple happenstance. i was the kid who had the lollipop snatched away from "licking" distance. maybe, if only i'd have reached out a little bit further. maybe a couple more steps. maybe. if only. and before i could get a grip of anything happening around me, all i could realise is this sickening feeling of letting everyone down.

tears roll down.