amar bicchhiri ek taara!

for me its better if i don't romanticise things much anymore now.. i was suffering so much all the time.. sure, i have lots of dreams, but they are not in regard to my love life.. it doesn't make me sad.. its just the way it is.. i can't deal with a day-to-day life of a relationship.. ya, you know, we have this exciting time together and then he leaves and i miss him, but at least i'm not dying inside.. when someone is always around me, i feel like suffocating.. i mean, i'm really happy only when i'm on my own.. even being alone is better than sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely.. its not easy for me to be all romantic.. you start off that way and after you've been screwed over a few times you forget about all your delusional ideas and just stick to what comes into your life.. that's not even true.. i haven't been screwed over.. I've just had too many blah-ed relationships.. they weren't mean, i mean, they cared for me.. but there were no real connection or excitement.. at least, not from my side.. ........................

the moment(s).. it reminded me how genuinely romantic i was.. how i had so much hope in things and now it's like, i don't believe in anything that relates to love.. i don't feel things for people anymore.. in a way, i put all my romanticism in that one night and i was never able to feel all this again.. like, somehow this night took things away from me and i expressed them to you and you took them away with you and it made me feel cold, as if like, love wasn't for me.. you know what, reality and love are almost contradictory for me..

but it's my fault.. i know it's my fault..i never felt it was the right man.. never.. but what does it mean "the right man"? "the love of your life"? the concept is absurd.. the idea that we can only be complete with another person, is EVIL?!?! right?

you know, i guess, i have been heartbroken too many times and then i recovered.. so now, you know, from the start, i make no effort.. because, you know, i know it's not going to work out.. i know it's not gonna work out..

and there's already so much water under the bridge now.. its not even about you anymore.. its about that time.. that moment in time, that's forever gone now.. i don't know..

i always act like i'm detached.. but i'm dying inside.. i'm dying because i'm so numb.. i can't feel no pain, or excitement.. i'm not even bitter.. i'm just.. er....

24.4.12

and so finally after three days of countless and infinite number of repeatations on a loop, i'm off "raabta" hangover.. and more than me, mamma is supremely relieved about it.. 'coz, it was enough to drive her nuts.. (*hehe*) i mean, you really cant blame her much.. every 'staying awake' moment of hers was greeted with "raabta" on speaker.. so, you see, she has her own reasons.. and quite rightfully so..

so, past that "raabta" hangover, today is "akshay tritiya".. and i'm once again reminded of it by my sweetest naniji, who has started (albeit reluctantly) considering me as a hopelessly gone case.. and so, having just got off the phone with her, (and for the first time, we parted with a real s.e.x.y. "B-Y-E") i'm kinda thinking of turning the orthodox way today.. like, "shopping".. for earrings, that is.. *Wink!*

and yep.. that's the trad version coming forth.. plus, i do have the incentive to flaunt my new "pinks".. and well, one day wonder for the onlookers.. something like-- "ab tum bhi kya yaad rakhoge".

*devil grin*

17.4.12

and sometimes, some things just never change.. they dun change at all..

and tonight was the perfect example for it.. that omnipresent urge of meeting, which was subject to quite a lot of thwarting in the (very) recent past, finally gave way.. and it culminated into a "meet"..

it was again back to the favourite setting of all times.. dark nights.. lonely roads.. silent roads.. still air.. moonless sky.. un-twinkling stars.. the never ending roads.. roads to nowhere.. that lingering hope and assurance of the presence.. both physical and everything-else-other-than-physical.. that authoritative demand and its due realisation.. the puppy faced "wants".. and the gregarious returns.. with more than all that received..

and yes.. it makes me think.. that maybe.. just maybe, we do share a lot more than what we have originally bargained for.. maybe even without our conscious awareness for the same.. but yet that sub-conscious giving in, resigning ourselves to the faith.. and maybe, belief, even.. and whatever that it is, it sure runs deep..

and yes.. i know, i have put myself on the line of fire.. and the funny part, i'm unaware of whether i have it in me to withhold even the tiniest of the blows.. 'coz, immune i may be to the external infliction, but i still haven't taken into account of the self-atrophy.. and maybe, when it comes, i wont have it in me anymore.. but believe it or not, strangely enough, even for this, i get this feeling that i wont be the only one..

shubho nabobarsho 1419

well,.. a new year blog post toh banta hi hai.. :-D
and irrespective of it being my "conventional" new year (read:: 1st January) or the Bong version of it.. a New Year, is always a New Year.. ;)

and when it is the First Day of the New Year, it doesn't even matter to me how fantastically magnificent or horrendously hideous, the last day of the year bygone was.. 'coz, the hell with it.. this is "Poila Boishak" and a "Shubho Nabobarsho" for me.. *cheers!*

and my day (technically) started with a surprise.. a Mirror wish, for the same..i followed it by waking up in the morning to my loveliest Kakima's "shubho nabobarsha 1419! Bhalo theko", followed by a dear dahling wishing oh-so-sweetly.. ;)  then followed the many wishes and laughs and chats.. and ofcourse, how can i miss my "notun jama"? a sumptuous meal, followed by a great afternoon "ride".. and with the evening and night still on hold.. i think, this one is for keeps.. :)

a smiling beginning, at least.. and i'll take it..

***

Me : shubho nabobarsho :)

Him: ha bengali new yr happy happy.

p.s.: thats how it stands, after two years.. *:)*

"arre, tumhara answer vahi mera answer"

it was the Best possible night for the Worst probable day----- with all the addictions coming together and the "REAL" living of the addicted Habit!

and yeah, it just can in no other way, get any BETTER than this.. :)

**

Me: kal raat ko kya hua tha?

You: kya hua tha?

Me: HR questions?

You: are vo toh ainve hi net pe dekh raha tha yar..

Me: tho what were the answers?

You: told na der's no ans for that yar,, bas jo tumhe sahi lage :)

Me: aah.. :) toh tumhara kya answer hai unke?

You: are tumhara ans wahi mera ans yar..

Me: :):):):) *:blush!*

You: (.....)...ok help me with this-(..........)

**

and i hear the soft strings of "hoti hai kuch baatein, hoti hai raato mein" floating through my window..

dream

it doesn't make any sense.. and it shouldn't even have been there..
but it defied everything.. all possible reasons.. and logic.. and it was there.. it appeared there.. it made its way there.. and it stayed there..

and it happened after almost a year.. and there exists no probable reasons for it happening again.. and happening now.. again.. and it clearly makes no sense whatsoever..

and the most weird part, in the entire sequence of black-white-grey, the only coloured part was the tissue that the person handed me over, and it was-"Yellow"..

and everything else was the same.. the same bed.. the same window.. the same lights.. the same lack of lights.. the same mess.. the same everything..




p.s.:: i guess this is the aftereffects of too much of graphic descriptions of japanese fiction..

Mirror be damned! :'(

yes.. i had to blurt it all out yesterday.. the stupid damned me.. and all it required was my Mirror to come up with the very same views and questions, which i thought i am well able to handle when asked by my (own) self.. well, in this case, the phenomenon of "myself" happened to differ only to the point where the "physical" state of being differed.. yes.. the case of two different bodies and two sets of different organs.. with identical pairs of wiring.. and yes, it freaks me out.. it shakes me beyond any grounding.. try howsoever hard i may, i cant shoo it off.. neither can i stop clinging on to it.. complete paradox..

but even then, the proud that i am, and as maybe by now, known by the Mirror, i'll hold my ground.. and i think i can allow, albeit a bit reluctantly, my period of breaking down.. when i can allow myself to sit down in a corner of my room and cry.. or to take off from the house on to the street under the blue-black sky.. and yes, maybe, yesterday was not a good time.. but i'm glad that even then, i dint "bare it all".. even though, secretly i know, that minute glimpse was enough for my Mirror to know all that the Mirror wanted to know..

yes, i'll always be all smiles to all.. but for me, i will always know, what lies beneath that smile..

yes, whoever said it, said it true.. you should never look in the eyes of a dancer.. they can never lie.. and i only hope, that you dun stare into my eyes.. because, i can't lie.. can never lie to my Mirror..