12 january 2019

i was given a choice today. again. not something which I would have liked to be subject to. but hey! how many people actually get to choose, you may have this retort back at me!

so yes, I guess, I am fortunate enough. I at least did get to choose. although the choices were something akin choosing between "open fire" and a "boiling pot of oil" . lesser of the two evils. yes, that's the term, if I may.
so. in all, I chose something which was the lesser of the two evils. here, point in case being, the term "evil" is purely relative. and in this situation, the point of reference being yours truly.

so now, the question may arise, as to what was the choice(s). and for that, I need to rewind. as an after-thought, if only I had Hermione's time-turner, it would have been so much more easier and less messier. but hey! I can go on wishing as much as I want.

I am an art-sy kinda person. I like going to exhibitions. I like going to performances. fine art, et al.
you get the idea. anywho, cutting to the chase, there is an art exhibition happening (i say "is", because it still is in progress, as i write). the exhibition is about all the handmade crafty things - jewellery, textiles, garments, pottery, utensils, shoes, bags, paintings, and so on. i was pretty much psyched about going there.

i was being told by mamma, that i should always involve him in all these things, and not do them alone. i did. i asked if we can go. he took his time, and then said yes. i was ecstatic. i still asked him when would he want to go. i presented him with all the details, like when does it open, when is the closing, where is this happening, what are the various modes of reaching that place, etc etc. more like, you think of it, as to regarding information, and i had it. I figured, that it was my responsibility, because, as is, it is something i am interested in, and he has agreed to go with me.

if i would have had my way, i would have loved to be there from little earlier than 1645 hrs. but then, afterall, he did agree to go with me, so i can also agree to his timing.

it was all decided, to leave from home at 1600 hrs.

just 15 minutes before, he tells that he needs to be positively back by 2000-2010 hrs as he has a match to see, which cant miss.

so now, when  i plan or envision a 'going out', i see it from a leisure perspective. meaning, i cant go out and be at leisure, with the thought that i have to be positively back by so-and-so hour constantly playing at the back of the mind. then it becomes a chore for me - like, it was something that i had to do and hence i am doing it. there is no enjoyment left, if it ceases to be "leisure", and i am positive that everyone will agree.

but well, this toon happens. lesson learnt.

i was being told to always try to look from other's perspective.

i told him, that we wont go because, if i have to go with the thought of coming back by a certain time constantly playing at the back of my mind, then  cant enjoy. and the fact that i wanted to go there in the first place was because i wanted to have a leisurely time spent. maybe could have even bought something from there, in my original plan. maybe could have gone and sat on the chowpatty or walked along the stretch. maybe would have sat down at some place and just talked. that was my idea of leisure.

but well, ideas do differ. and hence, the very "term".

so, i told him, lets not go, you watch your match. we'll go tomorrow, or i will go tomorrow or we wont. maybe the next time.

but what happens when all you are greeted with is adamancy. I remember what I was being told by mamma. and I followed  it to the T.

I was being told to choose from the following:
1. we go today only because that was the original plan
2. I can choose not to go, but if I don't go, then I will be disrespecting him. and that goes without saying, that I was already "apparently" creating a scene.

so well, I couldn't be the cause of disrespect. I have been taught better.

so I went. I went because I had to. so that its another tick in the box. so that, it is never said ever that in this case, i disrespected him.

what happened to my enjoyment?

well, I will figure that out on my own eventually.

but today, I did what I was being told to do by mamma.

I went. saw the exhibition. didn't make any fuss. and made it a point that we are back home by that time.

today, I passed with flying colors.

Formality::101

she is a perfectionist in her own way. but the fact remains, that there is only one way. and that one way somehow transcends over everything.
ergo, she is a perfectionist. period.

she had to master the art of 'being formal'. (read 'being formal' as something on not a very good line, and you'd know what she means).

she finally did.

p.s. aced the class on "Formality::101"! *woohoo!* of course, the Man's always there with the cheat sheet. wonders, what will she ever do without him!

p.p.s. she is a pun(y) being. and she was dying to put this down. now, she can sleep happy *smiles contently)

10th May 2016 - Meltdown

all i really want right now is the "date" to align with me.

is it really too much to ask for? i hope not. i just want the date to work out. i'm not doing anything illegal.. im not doing anything which is unpardonable.. i'm just appearing for a damn test in a place which is now definitely turning out to be the least favourite and the least favourable one for sure. but that's me deviating from the point.

last year. december 2015. it all gave me an illusion that things were working out alright. and i thought maybe i'm doing something alright. my training was completed without any hitches. the 15 days Institute training also fit in the time. my trip was well set. it all looked like a perfect setting for me to take a few days off and wander. and i was actually embarking on that. and just about then, there was the news of an event happening. organised by the institute. taking place on the day when i was scheduled to leave. and i was cursing my luck. i was ruing about the bad miss. somehow consoled myself that something else down the line will be there for me. and i'll also be there then.

january 2016. to a certain extent it seemed like that. i got all the necessary  approvals in a favourable time frame. everything was turning out the way it should. so, optimism was really riding up high. by february everything was in alignment. things finally seemed to be heading someway. yes. there were certain unfavorable bits as well. but somehow they always came with that halo of hope.

so, things started turning up. somethings were turned down. but not moped about. and somethings were met with. sometimes not with desired outcomes. i was sad. but never broken. then suddenly something big came up. too good to be really happening. so of course, the joy knew no bounds. but deep down i was wise enough not to read too much into it. but  a girl can always hope, right? so, little by little, i geared up for the many steps that were to follow. all lined up. really. everything lined up. to the extent of a confirmation.

and that is when it stopped. abruptly. just like that. and the sad part, for no real fault of mine. except if appearing for the test at those allocated centre is something which i should not be doing when i'm doing it.

and that, precisely THAT, is what broke me completely. to the extent that nothing seemed 'bright' anymore. no creaks, no windows. there was nothing. and i started questioning the fairness of it all.

i'm still not done with the questioning bit. i have completely shut myself from virtually everything. the heart does long for the loved one but i'm careful enough not to give out any more than i'd already have.

all of a sudden it is this realisation that things have just stopped. nothing is moving.

and now there's again this little ray. i'm scared to hope.

because, it's again the dates that are coming into the play.
will it fit? or will it again be that close and bad miss?

aligning the dates - - is it really too much to be asking for?

17th of June? is it really going to be that cursed?

8th May 2016 - Meltdown

such a simple happenstance.
give a kid a lollipop. see his eyes lit up in glee. see his lips break into a smile. see his hands carefully unwrapping the wrapping.. careful enough not to pry the paper with the sugar sticking on it. and the pure ecstasy. and then at that moment, without the kid's slightest anticipation, you take the lollipop from him. plain swift flow of motion. slow enough to let the kid see it all. fast enough to not give the kid any chance of counter reaction.

and it's then it all happens. the sense of loss. that kills the kid. and the kid cries. innocent sobs. heartfelt sobs. all the kid gets are "its okay" "don't worry" "there'll be more".

there's a song which has the lines "the hardest part of ending is starting all again". and so damn true it is. as for me, all these times, it felt like a long journey through a tunnel. a lit tunnel. i could see the ending of the tunnel. last few weeks, somehow it picked up the speed. and that's where i made the biggest mistake of not discounting the factor of "what if".. so blinded was i of the speeding surroundings, so taken away was i of the illusion of movement. and it almost all worked out to the end. almost. and that's where the not discounted factor of "what if" came on the picture.

that lollipop was too good to be simply handed over to me.

and i was the kid in that simple happenstance. i was the kid who had the lollipop snatched away from "licking" distance. maybe, if only i'd have reached out a little bit further. maybe a couple more steps. maybe. if only. and before i could get a grip of anything happening around me, all i could realise is this sickening feeling of letting everyone down.

tears roll down.

horsing it!

so, starting it off from where i'd left it last (ref : "Nightmares" on Roobishes Galore)

it was a lame attempt of trying to draw parallel between horse (inclusive of all the species of it) and dreams (inclusive of all the other term by which it is known).. and yes, i don't even want to get started on Freud! (there is a very strong and definite reason for me to completely detest that man.. and to think that at some point of my life, i really used to consider that man with extreme high regards.. well, follies of the naive me.)

so, getting back and away from Freud.

and well, i will try to steer clear form the horse analogy too. i wonder if tea-leaves or coffee residuals also work the same way? 

i'm deviating again..

well, its three on three.. 

Sunday blabber.. after a long long time..

ahh well.. it feels good in a different way, fosho! 

winging it?

nah! it's more like horsing it around!

hell yeah!

horsing it!

and how!

*neeeiiiiggghhhhh!*

p.s. Haddock! you're being missed.. SORELY!

juxtapositionally oxymoronic!

when things don't really make sense, and yet, the very part of not making sense, makes all the damn sense of the world.
and that's when you justify being juxtapositionally oxymoronic!

something akin to making the best of the worst. or lesser of the two evils.

so what do i really take from this? is it supposed to be the evil? or the bad?
so what's the good that is supposed to be hiding amongst it all?


*so many things just swarming inside.
so many things just fighting for some light.
so many things-which all makes sense and yet is a complete non-sense*

Damn it M.  i so damn wish that you're here.

Jibber-Jabber-Blabber

When Tuesday feels like Friday.
When you almost roll off your seat with tears in your eyes laughing your head off in the movie theatre in spite of a pretty much of a sob story going on the screen.
When you mistake your phone as a bowl and almost spill the ladle full of 'dal' on it.
When you reheat your left-over coffee from the morning and have it for lunch.
When you get a frantic 'SOS' on the evening and you wish your heart out to help but you're caught yourself as pretty much helpless because you don't know what 'should' be done.
When you wish for Friday.

It's then when you end up with Jibber-Jabber-Blabber.